this film by avani is a classic. do share it with as many people that you can.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
How Much More Can We Divide India?
OneIndia One People is an international magazine. Thank you Rajlakshmi for publishing my views unedited.
United we stand divided we fall! A dictum long forgotten in our tryst with history. There was a time when we were one, and together we won, but today we are bruised and battered. We are chopped into pieces in an effort to uphold peace. I am referring to the “request for smaller states” issue that has been in the headlines for quite some time. An issue so very pertinent, it well means the revamp of geography textbooks of school children, and an identity changed forever. I feel against the boundaries that we draw within, I wonder how beautiful would the world be with no lines, but just with landmarks.
Am I against the students of Osmania University and their concerns? NO. The concerns are genuine, though I have my own concerns about fragmentation of our country. I don’t see it as a solution to any problem. But it does satiate ones thirst for power. It does set a dreadful ominous trend. A siren for most fake whistle blowers of humanity and empathy who leave no stone unturned in grasping with a firm grip - the whip of power politics. The manipulative scheming schemes to disintegrate and divide are the ultimate display of dismay. What one achieves with these new boundaries, I think. Does it help governance? I think not. Given the topography of various places in India and the interdependence between states even in terms of basic necessities, I strongly opine that interstate Octroi and other costs could be widely avoided by this. In addition to this, we are well aware of the fact that politics is no habitat of sacred cows. These small states that would be formed could well vanish into the oblivion with a minuscule representation in the center.
The concern of mine, is genuine, I champion the need to speak up for their various causes. But I step back and wonder if the voices and issues that concerns of the small states will go unheard by the overriding voices of the mighty motley majority. A case in example would be the fact that most of us don’t know much about the issues of places like Nagaland, Andaman & Nicobar or Lakshadweep. The case with these states are different, they are apart and separated by sea. The point I wish to highlight is what I fear even smaller states would be subjected to – Gross Neglect.
Do we have lesser issues in hand to deal with that we are adding to the list? Wouldn’t it be more prudent a decision to find solutions to problems in hand amicably and diligently which would involve inclusive strategy with an intent to celebrate and accept differences? Couldn’t there be a middle ground of negotiation? Coming back to where I started, it has already created a trend…. The spark set at Telangana has created a wild fire with Mayawati diverting media attention from her statue spree with fresh new demands for new states. Frivolous demands, not all legitimate and mostly laughable. A thought to ponder by Farooq Abdullah that I have no answer to “ How much more can you divide India”
Once Upon A Time... An Indian!
madhuri fidaa hussain has been creating quite a ripple in the media than what the silver screen's original diva madhuri did when she chucked AK47 dhaari sanju and tied the knot with injection dhaari nene.
both are chammak challos in their respective fields. madhuri's pelvic thrust is as famous as hussains brush and they both are just visitors to india. madhuri ka bacchas were born in colarado. and are imported. madhuri is india’s official import and speaks a language that we understand best- bollywood. fir… kaiko? kashaala?… no drama was created during madhuri ka exit from india.
and secondly, i wonder if the people who are protesting or protecting mf hussain know anything about art? mf hussain is just a nice topic. unlike his muse who dint irk anyone or invoke any badaa controversy. the microbiologist madhuri just suffered once when she faced the brunt of not being a good student of history in school and stated that nepal was a part of india.
i have received hazaar instigating emails that would make any hindu red with anger. they were about hindu goddess in the nude vis-à-vis muslim deities fully clothed. it is so easy to instigate people. i personally have photos of goddesses at home which have goddesses in the nude. i prostrate to them and watch them in awe. “chitoor bhagwati” she is called, and she is bare chested. did i think of them sexually? no. similarly, i was always fond of lord krishna since childhood, and i disliked lord rama for deserting sita. religion is open for interpretation. this is my interpretation, you are free to have yours and i would respect that too.
now speaking about hussain, im no connoisseur of art, and don’t claim to know the nuances of it. but anyways, at 95, who knows how long he would live, and where his grave would be. and how does that matter. i wonder why the media and his lovers have woken up now when he is becoming officially a qatar national. where were the mfh lovers when he was forced to be on exile.
aiyyo raama yeh kaisaa drama...
Friday, February 05, 2010
I Am
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where am i coming from...
where am i going.
where am i going.
im lost in this tyranny of my mind…
where am i… i cant find.
manipulative am i... is that the name.
you give an individual... shunned by shame.
why are my intentions doubted...
wonder why and where that thought sprouted.
why am i associated with what happened then...
i look for beyond, but when will people see...
i really wonder when?
i look for myself within, i cant find...
i look in the outer... it is ill defined.
am i the river that silently flows by...
am i the listless dead sky.
everything is apart...
collating broken pieces of my heart.
am i just behind and before...
not here and how...
but i am living...
living sometimes somehow.
i don’t know if woman am i... or am i man...
what am i ... i know naught...
the stinging bee...
or the fly that your net has caught.
give me a moment now...
i wish to whisper in your ears...
i wish to speak it now...
till your conscience can hear.
am i living this moment…
knowing not where i be…
flowing in the creepy ocean
through the blinded sea…
i wish i could tell you..
just before... just before you draw a perception about me...
that i have no name... i have no past... i have no future...
i am empty... i am nothing…. nothing that you can think.
i am just me. i am just me.
"I AM" .. just "I AM"
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Goodbye Hate
my article that got published in Asian Age/ Deccan Chronicle on Jan 01, 2010... YAY
Cheers to New Beginings.. can I call myself a freelance columnist... Not So Soon...?
The whip and the gun ruled 2009. The whims and the fancies of the fanatics were in full glee, there was a sting of disbelief all around… the pain was newfound and profound. Irreverent blame-throwing and the fear of imminent danger ruled the roost, a year so callous that we bid good riddance with no regrets. Terror continued its ominous trend in 2009. In a dead end, ignorant of our present, how could we forecast a future? When I say terror, do I mean the ultimate villain —Kasab? Nahi, Nahi! Terror was omnipresent… in every cause, in every mind, every day.
Which cause needed more focus? Whose pain needed immediate attention? Was it the damaged environment that misunderstood November for July? The women who were slapped in pubs like cattle by petty male chauvinists? The emergence of the Maoist? The common thread in all of these was hate — refer the Mumbai Attack. As Mumbai was under siege in November 2008, we saluted commandos, we squealed and belched slogans, demanded action and compensation for the families of the affected. Six months later, when I requested people to join me in a thank-a-thon, to remind the people who protected us and lost their lives in the bargain, I went alone. My SMS was no SOS now.
Was I dejected? Yes. Did I stop? NO! I realised, I reasoned we had moved on. We had not forgotten, but our responses had changed. Causes were piling up demanding our attention. What was THE cause had become a cause? As I said earlier, we are a reactive nation not a proactive one — “Response to the stimuli” is what we demonstrate best. But am I resigned and cynical? I can’t afford to be. I am happy that the internal dialogue has begun. We are in an era of cause
branding! Advertisers and activists need to use innovation to help keep their cause ‘Top-Of-The-Mind’, especially in this day and age, when our attention spans are just higher than a goldfish’s. And when we take up a cause, we need to remember that not all effects will be tangible and measurable.
Let us not pull down people who work at keeping the causes alive, in what ever way they can. The best way to put down a person who is working for a cause is to tell the person that he/she is wasting time and should shift focus. Especially when it comes to environmental and animal causes, people often say, “Why are you focusing on animals or saving mangrove forests when people are dying”. Well good question… Get up and do something about the causes you feel for rather than shamelessly and ignorantly berating others who are at least working for causes they believe in.
Let’s begin our new year with a promise to ourselves, that we will not belittle any cause, whilst we follow our own. Also that we will not be violent in expression and disagreements, but benevolent in heart and deed.
And remember all the year through — hate is a relation too — but no one is worth it.
The writer is a social activist.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Humsafar Trust 16th Aniversary Celebrations
"I shed my inhibitions. My fears. I travelled light” - Lance Armstrong
Uninhibited, Undeterred, Unassuming and Unperturbed… they danced, they sang, they spoke, and were themselves with no apprehensions or self-doubt about their sexuality, or the method in which they chose to express it. I consider queens and transsexuals as normal people, but still, I should admit in this forum that I used to feel odd with them around. The fears were mine, and it was my petty thinking, I knew. I was always told as a child “if you don’t do this, I will tell that chakka to take you away”. (Then we just had one offensive word to categorize them all, - chakka.) And this had indented such a massive blow on my thinking that it left me prejudiced until this day. Of course, my outlook towards transsexuals, cross dressers and queens had changed, and positively so, but the fear lurked on. I wished to conquer my apprehensions and fear. And when I heard the emphatic reply when I asked my friend deep if he plans to attend the humsafar bash - “I am DEFINITELY going”, I was pepped up.
in the pic: the famous Laxmi at a Sony TV show with Salman Khan
We entered at around 6ish and had to queue up to sign a muster. It was a serpentine queue, but thankfully, our turn came much quicker than expected. As I stood in the line for my turn, I saw a few queens trying to do a line-maro on me… with their tirchi nazar, they looked at me from the corner of their cornea. LOL. Should admit, was quite flattering, though it made me a little uncomfortable and self conscious. I held on to Deep like adam to a fig leaf, camouflaging myself in the behind of my friend. The acted confident and dint probably even let Deep know about my vacillating moves. After a little bit of a musical chair play, we ended up sitting bang next to the stage. The music went on, the performances began… the colour and candor was just amazing. What impressed me most was their free spirited and raw approach. The emcees fumbled, the CD scratched, and the mic screeched, but there was no stopping – the spirits were high and they danced till they dropped with confidence and exuberance. Conquering every inhibition and in a high, they danced! And they danced, and they danced.
I felt ashamed of my own inhibitions and that I had typecast'd them as frivolous. The venue was close to the station, the train track was close and an occasional train would pass by and the voyeuristic nation that we are people had they eye balls popping out as they looked. But were they conscious and did they fumble??? Naaah! They simply overlooked the prying eyes.
It clearly was the celebration of free spirit. It was a celebration of free thought. It was a celebration of freedom from all bias and prepossess. A transforming experience.
What??? You dint attend this event???
Acha-cha-chooh! Sorry. The wait is too long - 1 year.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Polls and Polls
Reposted from Pink Pages
CNN’s State Of The Nation” poll results unraveled that 73 % thought homosexuality should be considered illegal, 77% thought homosexuality is unnatural, 60% thought of it to be a disease, 62% thought homosexuality could be cured.
CNN’s State Of The Nation” poll results unraveled that 73 % thought homosexuality should be considered illegal, 77% thought homosexuality is unnatural, 60% thought of it to be a disease, 62% thought homosexuality could be cured.
Tracking back, from thenness to nowness, from masks to tasks, our metamorphosis was in tune with that of the politicos and society at large. Anburami Ramadoss came out very strongly in favor of section 377 to be read down. Finding hope trapped in the least expected quarters, definitely felt nice. Yahoo groups were flooded with mail trails expressing joy. Some were optimistic of a positive change; some thought that this was just another “gone with the wind” story. Many were buoyant and thought of this as the genesis of change. But this was short-lived. When Ramadoss quit, the flame was flickering, and what seemed as a possibility of a bright dawn seemed to be again, a dreary dusk.
Then came in election time. We were such a non issue – a minuscule minority of the least possible denominator. Why would our voice matter in the chorus of the multimillion Indians? There were other causes that would be truly election winning! Why would they whine over a controversial subject in times when people were desperately taking disparate measures to distinctly make a mark? Well, there were LGBT activists who met up with people from every political party to put forth their point… though many supported, the question of whether they would support the cause openly, or whether they would include the same in their political manifestos was still in stillness.
I remember having attended a show on NDTV, the topic being discussed was election politics in South Bombay, the issues addressed ranged from poverty to education, to space… not surprising though, we found no space in it. As I said, we were largely a dead letter. But having the mike in hand, I couldn’t resist asking what I wanted to know very strongly. It was okay and obvious a stand when it came to poverty, or education, no one would say “lets us be poor, or let there be more uneducated people.” I popped up the question to candidates Meera Sanyal and Milind Deora , “ What about issues like homosexuality? Where you are required to take a stand, it’s not very comfortable, is it?” I proclaimed “I am a gay man, what about my rights?”. Meera Sanyal wasted no time in elevating her eye brows and saying with absolute confidence and self belief candidly on camera that she was for the decriminalization of homosexuality. Milind Deora again spoke on camera, about the AIDS outreach and the inability of theirs to reach the homosexual population given section 377.
It came as a reprieve, this discussion that took a positive overturn. At a time that everyone was just mulling in sorrow and was sanguine about changelessness, came a bomb of a High Court verdict. Disshhh dannng doing!!!! There was music, there was dance, and there was happiness. The average Joe of the LGBT community, repressed, depressed and silenced for ages was now out in his own spunk and sheen. The dailies that saw a handful of LGBT people repeated again and again, got juice, soup and scoops of newer people. Every daily went pink, some with gay news in practically every page. Funny it may sound, on 2nd of July I was unwell, and took a day off from work, I was sleeping away to glory just to be woken up by a TV channel for a telephonic interview, the interviewer asked “how are you feeling now that you are legal”. I thought the guy had gone bananas. I asked him politely what the matter was, and he very excitedly told me “consensual sex amongst adults has been decriminalized”. I was spell bound, shut and shaken. The voice on the other end said “Sir could we go online, could we have your reactions.” I could somehow manage to say, “ohh ohhh okay” and then I could hear the reporter speak, as she mentioned my name… I simply said “sorry, I need to gather my thoughts, I’m so happy, I don’t know what it means, I don’t know what it should mean… I just want to scream and shout and dance” and I did that, it was just the most uncomposed interview I had ever given, though very positive. And I did exactly that, I called up every body that I could. Came out openly and personally to even those whom I hadn’t. And had this gush of energy that flowed in me in jet speed. I could feel my heartbeat. I was zapped to switch on my Television and find our community on practically all channels.
But now that we were out and about, achieved what we were praying for, we needed to take notice of newer challenges, there were also more eyes that were prying precariously with an intent of causing harm. We achieved the right to love and make love, and some found it loud and lewd. Those who were silent about their apprehensions also timorously emerged. Some well wishers too opined that one should not be so out-in-the-open. And we in a common chorus asked “why not?”
But did we blow the whistle too much and jumped the gun with gay marriages galore, much to the discomfort of the perpetual pretentious moral guardians of culture and nature? This is a question that will find different answers. But one thing is now for sure – there is more awareness, two males or females merely holding hands would not be just seen as “just friends”. Awareness will definitely have a flip side. There were some polls conducted by leading dailies and channels which gave a lopsided view against the LGBT community. Example would be the HT- CNN IBN poll conducted in 16 cities where 3506 people were interviewed, the results were shared on the CNN show “State Of The Nation” the results of the poll unraveled that “73 % thought homosexuality should be considered illegal”, “77% thought- same sex is unnatural”, “60% thought of it to be a disease”, “62% thought homosexuality could be cured”, “83% think homosexuality is against Indian Culture” and “94% of the correspondents don’t have a gay or a lesbian friend”. It’s natural for us to rubbish such statistics. Yes, I did have a “what the eff” look on my face when I read this. “How does it anyway matter”, I said to myself. But reflecting on it, I did realize that we as a nation are obsessed with statistics and numbers. Haven’t we resolved the battles of choices in school “majority wins”… it’s indented in our mind since then. (Is this how it is elsewhere in the world? I don’t know) So it does psychologically impact people into believing that homosexuality is a disease and could be cured. It did boost the morale of some naysayers in my extended family, who jumped to the occasion and said “See, what the results are. Didn’t I tell you”. I did understand the impact of such polls, it didn’t make much difference to me personally, as I am openly gay. But I could well imagine the state of those who have just come out to their parents, and convinced them of their sexuality as being natural and not something that was chosen.
Change is here to be! I am optimistic. Yes. Now that consensual sex between adults irrespective of sexuality is legal, the natural next step would be to campaign for marriage rights, adoption rights, property rights etcetera, etcetera. I personally feel, we can’t just gallop without letting the dust settle. Let’s thank our ministers in the UPA for taking a stand. And standing firm there. For the next step, let’s not jump, let’s hold our horses… What say?
Friday, November 06, 2009
Without A Whimper...
my post from the Bell Bajao blog
also reposted at S.I.T.A Sena 
in a little village, there was a little girl called dinky,when she would blush and the world would go pinky.
the innocent beauty came but with a price,
she was bartered for a field of rice.
she dint know what was going on,
just happy she was as papa confirmed he would visit her in her new playground.
she sat there in her wedding sari, all decked in red and fawn,
until night approached and reality dawned.
her body was touched, she was entered, she was strained, she was stained,
ripped off her innocence she was maimed.
morning sun and battered she,
life was not what it once seemed to be.
she continued living , she made pain her friend,
in hope of her papa to return, she lived in pretence.
until one day, daddy died, and her hopes were untied.
dinky cried, and then with vengeance her pen took a ride…
“pinky dinky ponky
father had a donkey,
donkey tied, father died,
now dingy rangy lanky dinky donkey”
Donkey! yes you heard it right… I did state the fact that little girls are traded today, exchanged -as goods were once upon a time. Like how people trade donkeys and cattle. A fact that many English speaking, ravenously vocal urbanites are blissfully unaware of… it’s a reality that many minds are closed to. For us it is still THAT INDIA we see in arty movies.
Child Marriage is equivalent to child sex abuse, much worse than the umbrella term RAPE or MOLESTATION. A shameful part of the glorious India that we boast of often… where the child woman spends her life in distress, pain and darkness.
What can we do about it??? Well, we could talk, blog and tweet. Our voices can definitely make a difference. yes, not all differences that you make could be quantified… the effects of your words would not be often tangible. But needed is the belief of the mind that things would change, with the positive vibes packaged in words and verses. Or I have another option… we could be resigned and cynical that things will be so and nothing can change it and sit on our cozy chairs with wrinkled expressions and whine “O Pity My My”. Or are we waiting for a story of courage in distress to infuse in us the energy and enthusiasm to realize the necessity of change in THAT India? Or are we still just too busy debating cattle class virtual reality tweets when in reality women is traded as cattle?
...That child woman in THAT India, who goes through it… without a whimper!
Monday, November 02, 2009
The 8th Gay Bombay Parents Meet
It's not so often that I crosspost other's articles, but was a little too tempted to do so this time. Sachin's reports are a class apart, took the liberty to post it over here, as it doesn't mention names of the participants.
Please read.
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EVENT: GAYBOMBAY'S 8TH PARENTS AND RELATIVES MEET – A REPORT
- by Sachin
Date: Sunday, November 01, 2009
Time: 4 to 7p.m.
Venue: Liquid Lounge, Bombay
Participants:
Mothers of gay men = 9
Fathers of gay men = 2
Aunts of gay men = 2
Sisters of gay men = 3
Gay men = 125
Lesbians = 001
Introduction:
Umang introduced each parent by saying something special about them and with some appreciation. This was met by applause from the audience. He mentioned that it was wonderful that they took the time and effort to come to this meeting and that we were deeply honored by the same. During the meeting, speaking in any language was fine. There were no photos or media, and we intended it to be like we were speaking at home; very casual.
Objective:
Parents of LGBT children face unique issues. This was an effort to make the parents meet the gay community, and more importantly for the LGBT people, both out and closeted, to listen to and interact with parents who have faced up to the alternative sexual orientations of their children or relatives.
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"Settling down"
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• Will you be happy if your son has settled down? Have you discussed his relationships with him?
"I would prefer it if he did. It is not so easy. When it comes to two guys both want to be independent, both must have a job. In a heterosexual relationship even if a girl doesn't work it does not matter. She gives up her job. With 2 men this is problematic. Unless they reside in the same city and are sure of remaining there for a long duration of time, it is difficult for the two men to have a steady relationship. My son doesn't know how long he will inhabit that city. Of course, I will be happy if he has a home and a steady companion throughout for the rest of his life. I can only pray for it. When it will happen and how I cannot say."
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"Personal space"
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• Parents worry a lot about fleeting relationships. This anxiety irritates the child. Where does the parent draw the line between protecting and intruding?
"When children grow up, we do influence them. As they turn 24-25 years of age, they don't want to be harassed all the time. If my son is well-settled and wants to lead his life alone then I should not badger him all the time. Give him space. Everyone wants space all the time. Even we parents ourselves, if we are told something, we don't like it to be repeated. We get tired. After 25-26 you must leave guys alone. If they want advice, give it to them. You always love them, so you must support them."
"I have a peculiar problem. My mother is over-understanding. If I am out for 2-3 hours my mom asks which guy I am with. My mum knows how my brain works. At times it gets too much but it is okay."
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"Promiscuity"
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• How do you deal with a gay son's multiple boyfriends?
"Even girls have multiple boyfriends. Parents don't necessarily know what happens in their heterosexual child's life either."
"I don't agree that gays look out for sex any more than straight men. In a gay relationship they are bold enough to explore the world. Given a chance every straight guy wants to be Casanova. Irrespective of sexuality, a man's sexual urges are always there."
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"Coming Out"
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"Much before he told me he had prepared the ground. His father expired two years ago. I was alone. For him it was difficult to gauge how I would react. He wondered, `she may not talk to me, she may hate me.' But when he told me I didn't feel anything at all. He himself didn't want to be like this. He was fighting himself. For 7 years he took his time, before telling me. First he convinced himself, then he told me. You too may have asked yourself why you are the way you are. It cannot be changed by anyone. God has made you like that. I don't consider it his fault or mine. God has made all of us."
"I came out to my mom 2 years back. We are both doctors. The day I cleared my exams, I took her for a walk and told her I liked guys. She seemed alright then. I thought everything would go well. But little did I realize that mom was taking it as a joke. When I said `mom I like guys', she said, `yeah me too!'. There was a state of denial. Two years down the line, we have the same situation. Current scenario at home is that of a daily war."
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"The Role of Education"
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"Nowadays there is a lot of awareness in the media as well as access to the internet. If the parents do not speak English how difficult is it to explain what homosexuality is?"
"Education is irrelevant. What matters is how much the parent loves the kid and understands her. I feel the more educated and globally exposed parents are, the more narrow-minded, blinkered and status-obsessed their outlook is."
• In all these years have you met parents who are not too educated and have very little exposure to these issues. How did you counsel them? My parents don't know these terms.
"There was one parent who was very rigid, who said there are either men or women. Homosexuality is unnatural and should not be done. Such parents take longer time to absorb the fact. I am so glad that we have this gay parade, and that television and print media are talking and writing about gay issues. Earlier it was not so much. Such people need more and more meetings to understand things better. One should always emphasize that he or she is your child. Let love conquer everything. Parents too have problems. They have to face the extended family. But let love prevail."
"I came out to both my housemaids on National Coming Out day. My maid would always ask when I was getting married and when she would get celebratory sweets. I told her I am `gud', the colloquial word, and that I liked guys. She was absolutely normal. She didn't jump off the roof or me to my mother and say anything, It was a non-issue for both the maids. If you are good to them and consider you to be a good human being, it is a non-issue. Male members of family have been less supportive than the females. It is a similar situation at my workplace."
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"Living together"
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• When a guy marries a woman they stay together in the same house. Is Mumbai ready for gay couples living with the family under the same roof, or is it a distant dream?
"Relatives have no problem but bigger boys in the building snigger and pass remarks. If people come and ask, I can tell them to mind their own business."
"If the concerned people understand, I tell them my nephew is gay. Once an officer came to my house, and we happened to have a discussion on the subject. He was very vulgar. So I didn't even discuss it further. If it is necessary then only I tell others."
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"Did you know already?"
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• Almost 10-11 moms here. Boys are closer to their mothers as compared to girls. Before your son came out, did you know about his sexuality in your heart?
"He would wear bangles, and my kurtas, and dance. When he came out it was not surprising since as a child we saw him doing all these things. Once when it was raining he cried and cried so his mother went and got him the bangles he wanted. We knew but at that time we were not exposed to the concept."
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"Fathers"
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• I am sure dads are also concerned and worried. What goes through a father's mind when a son comes out? Do you feel he is less manly? Why are accepting fathers in a minority? Do you worry about the continuation of lineage?
"He came out to us on the phone. It took some minutes for it to register. I am proud of him and supported him."
"My husband was shocked. He wondered if he was on drugs, what was wrong."
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"Post - Delhi High Court Verdict"
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• Do you feel any difference post-377?
"There is more awareness. But people don't fully understand yet. Some parents brush it under the carpet."
"There is emotional power in sharing. Thank you parents for being so open and sharing so openly your feelings and thoughts. We have a big challenge ahead. Fundamentalist leaders are coming together to say that homosexuality is unnatural. There is strong opposition with 13 petitions in the Supreme Court against us. The High Court judgment says LGBT people are full citizens of the country. How do we protect the judgment? We can get psychiatric associations that say homosexuality is natural. However where parents come in very strongly is where the appeal is at an emotional level. The opposing parties say homos prey on children. How to address these arguments at emotional level? We can have an intervention of parents saying we want the judgment safeguarded. Is it possible to have parents getting together to intervene in the Supreme Court saying we support the judgment and do not want our children to be mistreated in our country?"
"There are two very important benefits to this: Firstly an emotional view in additional to a rational one. Secondly senior lawyers will respond to parents and support us. Please think about it, ask your friends and parents. You will have to sign an intervention in your own name. We are hoping for 20-25 parents to sign and get a senior lawyer to represent us. Please ask your parents to think about it and get in touch with us.
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"Extended family"
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"How you cope with coming out is personal. I haven't spoken to any relatives. Some are open-minded but some will just make this an excuse for gossip and politics. His cousins know about it and I don't even know if they have told their parents. They know he stays alone. It depends on who is asking and what the intention behind asking is. Why should some people be allowed to use his being gay to serve their own ends?"
• I am out, family has met my boyfriend, no issue. For the first time, my cousin has invited my boyfriend and I to her marriage. I find my extended family very annoying. I have no desire to deal with their questions. Should I go to the marriage with my boyfriend or not?
"People like you who have status in society should be open about it. Go."
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"Discretion"
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• I came out two years back. My parents are okay but they say, "Please be discreet. We accept you but don't tell anyone. Once people know, they will talk about you and us in a negative light. Why don't you go to another country and live?" I don't agree since the world is small and things come around anyways. Does anyone have an experience of keeping it discreet among family and friends?"
"We have a constant argument in the family. Heterosexual society doesn't advertise like you do."
"They are dealing with the fear that tomorrow someone would point out that they are gay or that they raised their child badly. You can make a deal: "If you want me to go to a psychiatrist, you have to come to a parent's meet. It's a deal."
"Concentrate on becoming independent. "
"You should make your parents understand this is not bad or mad behavior,. It is not asocial or antisocial. It should be easier then for your parents to accept you. Of course the majority is heterosexual and a minority are homosexual. Make them understand that something is not deviant because only a few possess it. It is an orientation like left-handedness. It is not abnormal or criminal. Give parents time. Some take a long time. Mothers are possessive and have a lot of expectations. From the time the child is born we think of his or her future and have lots of ambitions for him or her. Knowing that you will not have a family life, this disappointment comes out in denial. After all among normal people homosexuality is a passing phase exhibited during adolescence. Hence they think it is a passing phase for you too. So you need to make them understand: "If you forcibly make me marry, I will be doing injustice to another person. Parental affection is always there and you have to give them time. They always hope they can change you. Once they know you will not change, they will accept you."
"Once you are an adult, you have to put your foot down. You have a right to live your own life. As long as you are not doing something criminal, every parent will come to accept you."
"Since I have come out my parents have never pressurized me, never asked `whom do you hang out with, which party do you go to'. It is my duty as the son that if they are not comfortable with something, to not cross the line. It is my responsibility to protect their individuality. "
------------ --------- ------
"Conflict resolution"
------------ --------- ------
"Even in heterosexual relationships men avoid and ignore issues. Girls want to talk it out."
"There is no binding glue of a marriage in gay relationships. In our situation anyways everything is under cover, and we think we always have other options."
"How do you know that heterosexual relationships given the option would not break up? Most straights don't even get a chance to date."
------------ --------- --------- -
"Forging relationships"
------------ --------- --------- -
"There are lots of people in long-term relationships. Those who can become role models are too busy leading their quotidian lives. The reason there are no gay matrimonial sites is that the way the gay community in Bombay is evolving is good. The flip side of matrimonial sites is failed and forced marriages. Why hold up arranged marriage as an ideal?"
"While growing up, a gay relationship was something people knew nothing about. Today what I have seen is heartening. Lots of gay people aspire to have a long-term relationship. Anyone who enters a relationship, wants it to be long-term. I agree that the way to go is not to have a gay matrimonial site. Instead we should provide gay men t opportunity to meet in a non-sexual environment. "
"I have had two prior relationships that didn't work out. With us they are lot of compromises. His parents won't accept his lifestyle. So we cannot live together. He has given up a lot from his idea of an ideal relationship. There is no guarantee. I always have a deep-seated fear of ending up alone. But there are no guarantees in any relationship. You have to prepare for the future but know that it is always uncertain."
-----------
"Fear"
-----------
• Looking at the future what's your one big fear for your child?
"I fear he may be alone. I would like my son to have a permanent or at least a long-lasting relationship. When two people are together you are angry and depressed and make each other a buffer. But when it remains confined within you it hurts your personality and your relationship with other people. A permanent relationship I would like for him, as it is important. When you get your child married the parents feel relieved that the children have now settled down. I would like my son to have somebody who would understand him and share his choices. It helps you to grow. In marriages how long does that love remain? You have to work at the relationship. It needs a lot of sacrifice and mutual understanding. "
"I have no fear for my son, I have full confidence in him. I once asked him if the relationship will last for ever, he said he will try his best."
"Always the fear is about old age. The mind should not remain vacant and in old age grand children occupy the mind. If you are too lonely, unless the person turns religious, it is bad. Just as the physical body needs food, the mind needs to be occupied."
"My son is into social activities but I fear his old age since he cannot look after himself even today. He doesn't know where he keeps his things, I say you must adopt so you know how difficult it is to raise a child!"
"Nothing bothers me but I feel that going ahead, his relationships should last. He should not be alone in the future."
"I worry about my son like any other parent. In his old age how will things turn out? Our community is made up of middle class families. In Bombay even today the concept has not fully developed. You have been saying for 20 years that society is changing so where is that change? Of all the gay men sitting here, why are there no couples here? My son is nearing 40. Soon we will depart this world, how will it work ? What solution have you got for that?"
"I agree with sir, there are people in the colony who ask my mother who this guy visiting her son is. But it all depends on how strong your son is and how much you stand by him to give him stronger support. He is the one who has to take courage and stand up. I live in a predominantly middle-class colony. Their children talk about it behind our backs. You have to be strong and look at the brighter side of things. I look at the single people in my family as examples, since they are the people who love and support my mom and aunts."
"There is also the possibility of the gay man adopting a child, the issue of loneliness is not only about being part of a couple."
"I am a widow. I have no children. I am alone. My only close-knit family is my sister. I am alone. Even we are dealing with it. It hurts me sometimes that I have nobody to call my own. Fear of being alone is not only within the gay community."
"In my family we have relatives who have not married. They stayed with other relatives or friends. There are many examples of such relatives, but nobody raised the question in that whole generation. In earlier generation these domestic arrangements were present too. There are examples in every family where someone has not married and spent his life the way he wanted to."
"I have fear but I feel God is there. He can adopt a child and if the child is very young and is fine it shouldn't be a problem to adjust. For lasting relationships we should also see kundalis."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Film: Unconditional Love (by Dr. Raman and Siddharth)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
We watched the 20 minute film after an introduction by Dr. Raman, psychiatrist.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
"Professional and Unprofessional Help"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
"Most of these examples of seeking help, the area we intended to talk about, these are all real. By the time they come to the psychiatrist they have already tried so many of these things."
"None of you'll were educated or knew about homosexuality except for something on TV. Your child came up to you and talked about it. How did you get yourself to have a fairly good understanding of homosexuality? What about your journey of trying to understand what's going on with the child? How much of help did you really seek from a professional or pseudo-professional ?"
"We knew about it, we didn't need to be educated. Over the years we learnt more and more. We didn't take him to any doctors or astrologers. "
"I wanted to come out but I thought my mother would collapse. I took her to a psychiatrist. My mom was adamant that I get married. The counselor said I will ask you in front of your mother. She asked my mother certain questions about me, mom said he doesn't want responsibilities. When the psychiatrist said one of the reasons could be that he is a homosexual, my mom got wild and started abusing the psychiatrist. My mom turned to me and asked, "Are you like that?" I said yes. Mom said you are just making this up and this woman is supporting you. There has been no difference in my mother's attitude since then."
"At least 50% of the psychiatrist fraternity even today, are uncomfortable as they think it's something to be treated. All the different types of therapies, loading the child with anti-depressants and tranquilizers is a reality. Maybe this is simply because they themselves cannot come to terms with this. This is all the more reason that we should seek help from within our community rather than going to these quacks."
"I met a couple of psychiatrists, and one of them actually told me its up to you. You can start developing feelings for women. I met a famous sexologist. He said by June 2006, you will turn straight. We made visits to religious places. It was weird and funny. I definitely lost my morale. The doctors are well educated in their fields and have degrees flashing on their tables. But they are humans too and can make mistakes."
"The only role of the psych with a gay person if they are depressed otherwise there is no role."
"When I came out my parents were very worried and my brother very homophobic. Brother and Father took me along to this counselor. I spoke for an hour or so. He said there is no issue. Let me counsel your father now."
"Awareness, education and love are the only ways to help gays overcome their difficulties. If there is unconditional love the parent is going to support the child come what may. We have to accept the child and it is very hard for the psychiatrist. The question put across by the parents is, are you siding with us or with our son?"
"When I came out they took me to a religious place for a ceremony. So before it started my father told the religious person my son likes boys. The priest told me this is all wrong. After the ceremony we had to offer something and the priest was very cute and I grossed him out by winking at him. He said to my father don't bring your son here again."
------------ ----
Gay studies
------------ ----
"I had a suggestion. I opted for gay studies in India during my MA. Half the department was scandalized. We can approach universities and create lots of awareness. When we got insights of the human element, we got more people to read and understand queer studies. Most queer literature in academics is sexually oriented and loaded with sexual tendencies. It should be more balanced to give a rounded view."
------------ --------- -----
Opposite-sex marriage
------------ --------- -----
"Never even remotely push your child to get married to the opposite gender. It can lead to a complete and total disaster."
"If 85% gay men get married, why cant you get married? I am among the remaining 15% who don't get married. It's your son's decision. If he is strong enough to choose not to be married to the opposite gender and continue to lead his life we support him all the way."
"A son of a closeted homosexual caught his father in bed with a younger man and committed suicide. There is another child is struggling with depression on finding out that his father is a bisexual, we have not thought of this though it is much commoner elsewhere. Some gay men think, `we can lead double lives and manage to fool both the groups. Why go through these hassles? Marry a woman to appease parents and carry on by the side'. We don't look ahead at what's going to come when we have our own children. How will you answer your child when they come to know? We need to take our call now – there are many who are not in a long term relationship. That is no excuse to marry the opposite sex. In Bombay and Poona in the last year itself 3 have come to break their marriages after learning of their sexuality. One got the ex-wife remarried and happy. He is looking for boyfriend."
"I love my brother and adore him, and follow him everywhere. As long as I am there I will never let anything happen to him ever. If I accept him nobody will have the guts to ask anything."
Conclusion:
Umang thanked the parents and everyone gave them a standing ovation. Gaybombay gifted specially-made rainbow mugs saying "Proud parents of a fabulous child" to all the parents.
"If during the course of this meeting you have visualized your own parents sitting here, do bring them to the next meeting."
Please read.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EVENT: GAYBOMBAY'S 8TH PARENTS AND RELATIVES MEET – A REPORT
- by Sachin
Date: Sunday, November 01, 2009
Time: 4 to 7p.m.
Venue: Liquid Lounge, Bombay
Participants:
Mothers of gay men = 9
Fathers of gay men = 2
Aunts of gay men = 2
Sisters of gay men = 3
Gay men = 125
Lesbians = 001
Introduction:
Umang introduced each parent by saying something special about them and with some appreciation. This was met by applause from the audience. He mentioned that it was wonderful that they took the time and effort to come to this meeting and that we were deeply honored by the same. During the meeting, speaking in any language was fine. There were no photos or media, and we intended it to be like we were speaking at home; very casual.
Objective:
Parents of LGBT children face unique issues. This was an effort to make the parents meet the gay community, and more importantly for the LGBT people, both out and closeted, to listen to and interact with parents who have faced up to the alternative sexual orientations of their children or relatives.
------------ --------
"Settling down"
------------ --------
• Will you be happy if your son has settled down? Have you discussed his relationships with him?
"I would prefer it if he did. It is not so easy. When it comes to two guys both want to be independent, both must have a job. In a heterosexual relationship even if a girl doesn't work it does not matter. She gives up her job. With 2 men this is problematic. Unless they reside in the same city and are sure of remaining there for a long duration of time, it is difficult for the two men to have a steady relationship. My son doesn't know how long he will inhabit that city. Of course, I will be happy if he has a home and a steady companion throughout for the rest of his life. I can only pray for it. When it will happen and how I cannot say."
------------ ---------
"Personal space"
------------ ---------
• Parents worry a lot about fleeting relationships. This anxiety irritates the child. Where does the parent draw the line between protecting and intruding?
"When children grow up, we do influence them. As they turn 24-25 years of age, they don't want to be harassed all the time. If my son is well-settled and wants to lead his life alone then I should not badger him all the time. Give him space. Everyone wants space all the time. Even we parents ourselves, if we are told something, we don't like it to be repeated. We get tired. After 25-26 you must leave guys alone. If they want advice, give it to them. You always love them, so you must support them."
"I have a peculiar problem. My mother is over-understanding. If I am out for 2-3 hours my mom asks which guy I am with. My mum knows how my brain works. At times it gets too much but it is okay."
------------ -------
"Promiscuity"
------------ -------
• How do you deal with a gay son's multiple boyfriends?
"Even girls have multiple boyfriends. Parents don't necessarily know what happens in their heterosexual child's life either."
"I don't agree that gays look out for sex any more than straight men. In a gay relationship they are bold enough to explore the world. Given a chance every straight guy wants to be Casanova. Irrespective of sexuality, a man's sexual urges are always there."
------------ -------
"Coming Out"
------------ -------
"Much before he told me he had prepared the ground. His father expired two years ago. I was alone. For him it was difficult to gauge how I would react. He wondered, `she may not talk to me, she may hate me.' But when he told me I didn't feel anything at all. He himself didn't want to be like this. He was fighting himself. For 7 years he took his time, before telling me. First he convinced himself, then he told me. You too may have asked yourself why you are the way you are. It cannot be changed by anyone. God has made you like that. I don't consider it his fault or mine. God has made all of us."
"I came out to my mom 2 years back. We are both doctors. The day I cleared my exams, I took her for a walk and told her I liked guys. She seemed alright then. I thought everything would go well. But little did I realize that mom was taking it as a joke. When I said `mom I like guys', she said, `yeah me too!'. There was a state of denial. Two years down the line, we have the same situation. Current scenario at home is that of a daily war."
------------ --------- --------- -
"The Role of Education"
------------ --------- --------- -
"Nowadays there is a lot of awareness in the media as well as access to the internet. If the parents do not speak English how difficult is it to explain what homosexuality is?"
"Education is irrelevant. What matters is how much the parent loves the kid and understands her. I feel the more educated and globally exposed parents are, the more narrow-minded, blinkered and status-obsessed their outlook is."
• In all these years have you met parents who are not too educated and have very little exposure to these issues. How did you counsel them? My parents don't know these terms.
"There was one parent who was very rigid, who said there are either men or women. Homosexuality is unnatural and should not be done. Such parents take longer time to absorb the fact. I am so glad that we have this gay parade, and that television and print media are talking and writing about gay issues. Earlier it was not so much. Such people need more and more meetings to understand things better. One should always emphasize that he or she is your child. Let love conquer everything. Parents too have problems. They have to face the extended family. But let love prevail."
"I came out to both my housemaids on National Coming Out day. My maid would always ask when I was getting married and when she would get celebratory sweets. I told her I am `gud', the colloquial word, and that I liked guys. She was absolutely normal. She didn't jump off the roof or me to my mother and say anything, It was a non-issue for both the maids. If you are good to them and consider you to be a good human being, it is a non-issue. Male members of family have been less supportive than the females. It is a similar situation at my workplace."
------------ --------- --
"Living together"
------------ --------- --
• When a guy marries a woman they stay together in the same house. Is Mumbai ready for gay couples living with the family under the same roof, or is it a distant dream?
"Relatives have no problem but bigger boys in the building snigger and pass remarks. If people come and ask, I can tell them to mind their own business."
"If the concerned people understand, I tell them my nephew is gay. Once an officer came to my house, and we happened to have a discussion on the subject. He was very vulgar. So I didn't even discuss it further. If it is necessary then only I tell others."
------------ --------- ---------
"Did you know already?"
------------ --------- ---------
• Almost 10-11 moms here. Boys are closer to their mothers as compared to girls. Before your son came out, did you know about his sexuality in your heart?
"He would wear bangles, and my kurtas, and dance. When he came out it was not surprising since as a child we saw him doing all these things. Once when it was raining he cried and cried so his mother went and got him the bangles he wanted. We knew but at that time we were not exposed to the concept."
------------ -
"Fathers"
------------ -
• I am sure dads are also concerned and worried. What goes through a father's mind when a son comes out? Do you feel he is less manly? Why are accepting fathers in a minority? Do you worry about the continuation of lineage?
"He came out to us on the phone. It took some minutes for it to register. I am proud of him and supported him."
"My husband was shocked. He wondered if he was on drugs, what was wrong."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
"Post - Delhi High Court Verdict"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
• Do you feel any difference post-377?
"There is more awareness. But people don't fully understand yet. Some parents brush it under the carpet."
"There is emotional power in sharing. Thank you parents for being so open and sharing so openly your feelings and thoughts. We have a big challenge ahead. Fundamentalist leaders are coming together to say that homosexuality is unnatural. There is strong opposition with 13 petitions in the Supreme Court against us. The High Court judgment says LGBT people are full citizens of the country. How do we protect the judgment? We can get psychiatric associations that say homosexuality is natural. However where parents come in very strongly is where the appeal is at an emotional level. The opposing parties say homos prey on children. How to address these arguments at emotional level? We can have an intervention of parents saying we want the judgment safeguarded. Is it possible to have parents getting together to intervene in the Supreme Court saying we support the judgment and do not want our children to be mistreated in our country?"
"There are two very important benefits to this: Firstly an emotional view in additional to a rational one. Secondly senior lawyers will respond to parents and support us. Please think about it, ask your friends and parents. You will have to sign an intervention in your own name. We are hoping for 20-25 parents to sign and get a senior lawyer to represent us. Please ask your parents to think about it and get in touch with us.
------------ --------- ---
"Extended family"
------------ --------- ---
"How you cope with coming out is personal. I haven't spoken to any relatives. Some are open-minded but some will just make this an excuse for gossip and politics. His cousins know about it and I don't even know if they have told their parents. They know he stays alone. It depends on who is asking and what the intention behind asking is. Why should some people be allowed to use his being gay to serve their own ends?"
• I am out, family has met my boyfriend, no issue. For the first time, my cousin has invited my boyfriend and I to her marriage. I find my extended family very annoying. I have no desire to deal with their questions. Should I go to the marriage with my boyfriend or not?
"People like you who have status in society should be open about it. Go."
------------ ----
"Discretion"
------------ ----
• I came out two years back. My parents are okay but they say, "Please be discreet. We accept you but don't tell anyone. Once people know, they will talk about you and us in a negative light. Why don't you go to another country and live?" I don't agree since the world is small and things come around anyways. Does anyone have an experience of keeping it discreet among family and friends?"
"We have a constant argument in the family. Heterosexual society doesn't advertise like you do."
"They are dealing with the fear that tomorrow someone would point out that they are gay or that they raised their child badly. You can make a deal: "If you want me to go to a psychiatrist, you have to come to a parent's meet. It's a deal."
"Concentrate on becoming independent. "
"You should make your parents understand this is not bad or mad behavior,. It is not asocial or antisocial. It should be easier then for your parents to accept you. Of course the majority is heterosexual and a minority are homosexual. Make them understand that something is not deviant because only a few possess it. It is an orientation like left-handedness. It is not abnormal or criminal. Give parents time. Some take a long time. Mothers are possessive and have a lot of expectations. From the time the child is born we think of his or her future and have lots of ambitions for him or her. Knowing that you will not have a family life, this disappointment comes out in denial. After all among normal people homosexuality is a passing phase exhibited during adolescence. Hence they think it is a passing phase for you too. So you need to make them understand: "If you forcibly make me marry, I will be doing injustice to another person. Parental affection is always there and you have to give them time. They always hope they can change you. Once they know you will not change, they will accept you."
"Once you are an adult, you have to put your foot down. You have a right to live your own life. As long as you are not doing something criminal, every parent will come to accept you."
"Since I have come out my parents have never pressurized me, never asked `whom do you hang out with, which party do you go to'. It is my duty as the son that if they are not comfortable with something, to not cross the line. It is my responsibility to protect their individuality. "
------------ --------- ------
"Conflict resolution"
------------ --------- ------
"Even in heterosexual relationships men avoid and ignore issues. Girls want to talk it out."
"There is no binding glue of a marriage in gay relationships. In our situation anyways everything is under cover, and we think we always have other options."
"How do you know that heterosexual relationships given the option would not break up? Most straights don't even get a chance to date."
------------ --------- --------- -
"Forging relationships"
------------ --------- --------- -
"There are lots of people in long-term relationships. Those who can become role models are too busy leading their quotidian lives. The reason there are no gay matrimonial sites is that the way the gay community in Bombay is evolving is good. The flip side of matrimonial sites is failed and forced marriages. Why hold up arranged marriage as an ideal?"
"While growing up, a gay relationship was something people knew nothing about. Today what I have seen is heartening. Lots of gay people aspire to have a long-term relationship. Anyone who enters a relationship, wants it to be long-term. I agree that the way to go is not to have a gay matrimonial site. Instead we should provide gay men t opportunity to meet in a non-sexual environment. "
"I have had two prior relationships that didn't work out. With us they are lot of compromises. His parents won't accept his lifestyle. So we cannot live together. He has given up a lot from his idea of an ideal relationship. There is no guarantee. I always have a deep-seated fear of ending up alone. But there are no guarantees in any relationship. You have to prepare for the future but know that it is always uncertain."
-----------
"Fear"
-----------
• Looking at the future what's your one big fear for your child?
"I fear he may be alone. I would like my son to have a permanent or at least a long-lasting relationship. When two people are together you are angry and depressed and make each other a buffer. But when it remains confined within you it hurts your personality and your relationship with other people. A permanent relationship I would like for him, as it is important. When you get your child married the parents feel relieved that the children have now settled down. I would like my son to have somebody who would understand him and share his choices. It helps you to grow. In marriages how long does that love remain? You have to work at the relationship. It needs a lot of sacrifice and mutual understanding. "
"I have no fear for my son, I have full confidence in him. I once asked him if the relationship will last for ever, he said he will try his best."
"Always the fear is about old age. The mind should not remain vacant and in old age grand children occupy the mind. If you are too lonely, unless the person turns religious, it is bad. Just as the physical body needs food, the mind needs to be occupied."
"My son is into social activities but I fear his old age since he cannot look after himself even today. He doesn't know where he keeps his things, I say you must adopt so you know how difficult it is to raise a child!"
"Nothing bothers me but I feel that going ahead, his relationships should last. He should not be alone in the future."
"I worry about my son like any other parent. In his old age how will things turn out? Our community is made up of middle class families. In Bombay even today the concept has not fully developed. You have been saying for 20 years that society is changing so where is that change? Of all the gay men sitting here, why are there no couples here? My son is nearing 40. Soon we will depart this world, how will it work ? What solution have you got for that?"
"I agree with sir, there are people in the colony who ask my mother who this guy visiting her son is. But it all depends on how strong your son is and how much you stand by him to give him stronger support. He is the one who has to take courage and stand up. I live in a predominantly middle-class colony. Their children talk about it behind our backs. You have to be strong and look at the brighter side of things. I look at the single people in my family as examples, since they are the people who love and support my mom and aunts."
"There is also the possibility of the gay man adopting a child, the issue of loneliness is not only about being part of a couple."
"I am a widow. I have no children. I am alone. My only close-knit family is my sister. I am alone. Even we are dealing with it. It hurts me sometimes that I have nobody to call my own. Fear of being alone is not only within the gay community."
"In my family we have relatives who have not married. They stayed with other relatives or friends. There are many examples of such relatives, but nobody raised the question in that whole generation. In earlier generation these domestic arrangements were present too. There are examples in every family where someone has not married and spent his life the way he wanted to."
"I have fear but I feel God is there. He can adopt a child and if the child is very young and is fine it shouldn't be a problem to adjust. For lasting relationships we should also see kundalis."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Film: Unconditional Love (by Dr. Raman and Siddharth)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
We watched the 20 minute film after an introduction by Dr. Raman, psychiatrist.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
"Professional and Unprofessional Help"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
"Most of these examples of seeking help, the area we intended to talk about, these are all real. By the time they come to the psychiatrist they have already tried so many of these things."
"None of you'll were educated or knew about homosexuality except for something on TV. Your child came up to you and talked about it. How did you get yourself to have a fairly good understanding of homosexuality? What about your journey of trying to understand what's going on with the child? How much of help did you really seek from a professional or pseudo-professional ?"
"We knew about it, we didn't need to be educated. Over the years we learnt more and more. We didn't take him to any doctors or astrologers. "
"I wanted to come out but I thought my mother would collapse. I took her to a psychiatrist. My mom was adamant that I get married. The counselor said I will ask you in front of your mother. She asked my mother certain questions about me, mom said he doesn't want responsibilities. When the psychiatrist said one of the reasons could be that he is a homosexual, my mom got wild and started abusing the psychiatrist. My mom turned to me and asked, "Are you like that?" I said yes. Mom said you are just making this up and this woman is supporting you. There has been no difference in my mother's attitude since then."
"At least 50% of the psychiatrist fraternity even today, are uncomfortable as they think it's something to be treated. All the different types of therapies, loading the child with anti-depressants and tranquilizers is a reality. Maybe this is simply because they themselves cannot come to terms with this. This is all the more reason that we should seek help from within our community rather than going to these quacks."
"I met a couple of psychiatrists, and one of them actually told me its up to you. You can start developing feelings for women. I met a famous sexologist. He said by June 2006, you will turn straight. We made visits to religious places. It was weird and funny. I definitely lost my morale. The doctors are well educated in their fields and have degrees flashing on their tables. But they are humans too and can make mistakes."
"The only role of the psych with a gay person if they are depressed otherwise there is no role."
"When I came out my parents were very worried and my brother very homophobic. Brother and Father took me along to this counselor. I spoke for an hour or so. He said there is no issue. Let me counsel your father now."
"Awareness, education and love are the only ways to help gays overcome their difficulties. If there is unconditional love the parent is going to support the child come what may. We have to accept the child and it is very hard for the psychiatrist. The question put across by the parents is, are you siding with us or with our son?"
"When I came out they took me to a religious place for a ceremony. So before it started my father told the religious person my son likes boys. The priest told me this is all wrong. After the ceremony we had to offer something and the priest was very cute and I grossed him out by winking at him. He said to my father don't bring your son here again."
------------ ----
Gay studies
------------ ----
"I had a suggestion. I opted for gay studies in India during my MA. Half the department was scandalized. We can approach universities and create lots of awareness. When we got insights of the human element, we got more people to read and understand queer studies. Most queer literature in academics is sexually oriented and loaded with sexual tendencies. It should be more balanced to give a rounded view."
------------ --------- -----
Opposite-sex marriage
------------ --------- -----
"Never even remotely push your child to get married to the opposite gender. It can lead to a complete and total disaster."
"If 85% gay men get married, why cant you get married? I am among the remaining 15% who don't get married. It's your son's decision. If he is strong enough to choose not to be married to the opposite gender and continue to lead his life we support him all the way."
"A son of a closeted homosexual caught his father in bed with a younger man and committed suicide. There is another child is struggling with depression on finding out that his father is a bisexual, we have not thought of this though it is much commoner elsewhere. Some gay men think, `we can lead double lives and manage to fool both the groups. Why go through these hassles? Marry a woman to appease parents and carry on by the side'. We don't look ahead at what's going to come when we have our own children. How will you answer your child when they come to know? We need to take our call now – there are many who are not in a long term relationship. That is no excuse to marry the opposite sex. In Bombay and Poona in the last year itself 3 have come to break their marriages after learning of their sexuality. One got the ex-wife remarried and happy. He is looking for boyfriend."
"I love my brother and adore him, and follow him everywhere. As long as I am there I will never let anything happen to him ever. If I accept him nobody will have the guts to ask anything."
Conclusion:
Umang thanked the parents and everyone gave them a standing ovation. Gaybombay gifted specially-made rainbow mugs saying "Proud parents of a fabulous child" to all the parents.
"If during the course of this meeting you have visualized your own parents sitting here, do bring them to the next meeting."
Please visit www.gaybombay.org
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Surviving Child Abuse
This was an article that recently appeared in Open Magazine. It is very special for me, because its the first time that I have written something for a magazine. and I think, i have done a pretty good job.
At first i had sent milder draft, not so graphic, for I felt that magazines would heavily censor it. But thanks to Madhavan from open magazine, and their Open minded approach, he decided to add some stuff that i dismissed as too graphic, from my blog with my permission.
and here is the story, as is. unedited.
Frankly speaking, given a choice, Ii wouldnt wish to be spoken about for this topic. child sexual abuse is one of the many issues that i feel strongly about. for me animal welfare tops the list of causes.I just dont know how to react when someone tells me "I am very proud of you". not being modest, but I could react only with a Thank You. I am not aware of what difference I have made, most times.
I think, of my life as an opportunity to make a difference. a difference to many lives that i could touch by simply speaking about what happened with me ... for the nth time.
http://www.openthemagazine.com/article/true-life/surviving-child-abuse
>>>start>>>
Harish Iyer recounts his journey of self-discovery through years of pain and trauma
All my childhood I lived a dual life—the life when I was being abused, and the life when I wasn't. It dictated my very being. It was years of continuous abuse, years of pain, years of breach with not a single soul to reach out to. I bled from my anus often, and once did gather the courage to tell mom. And she thought it was because of the summer heat. I don't blame her now. She was completely ignorant about the fact that male children are susceptible to sexual abuse and need to be protected. I became reserved though I did have friends—a tree that was beside my house, the chirping birds, the flies, the ants, the lizards, all were mine, and I loved them immensely. With them, I blabbered. Anything to be myself in.
At school, I never had a male friend until the eighth standard. I never trusted a man. I couldn't understand the growing-up phenomenon. I wondered often why boys touch each other and speak, why they play the 'beat the butt' game… it was all distasteful for me. There was this experimental streak in them that I never could understand or relate to. I thought the girls were much more comfortable with their bodies. They discussed and spoke to each other about breasts and their undergarments. Boys lived in the realm of fantasy.
I never fantasised about men or women as I grew up. I was completely asexual. I was very body conscious. I thought my body was disfigured by constant abuse. I couldn't bear to be seen from the rear. As a result, I would chicken out from anything that made me stand first in the row, showing my rear to the rest. My constrained body posture made me walk shaking my butt, which people thought was typically girlish.
When I shifted from school to college, I would get some fantasies about pleasurable sex with boys. But I thought this was because of my abuse and tried forcing my mind to think of girls. But the fact remains that until I reached college, I didn't have a thought of a guy or a girl. No sexual fantasy whatsoever. Yes, my mind was replete with curious questions about anatomy and reproduction. But no sexual fantasy as such. I felt hatred and resentment towards anything that was masculine. I found it rather weird that I was getting these sexual thoughts about men and was dreaming about the very penises that I dreaded.
Meanwhile, in this battle of self-discovery, I confessed about my sexual abuse to a friend. Instead of keeping the confidence, he spread the news. Soon, the walls of the college and the toilet signboards had my name. They didn't see it as sexual abuse. For them, it was fun gay sex. I became a symbol of ridicule. This was a time when I didn't even know if I was gay or straight or whatever. But I got branded as gay, because 'I had sex' with my relative. I tried to commit suicide, but survived.
This was a time when I became friends with a dog named Jimmy. I used to lock myself in the room with him and cry out to him. The closer I got to Jimmy and confided in him, the stronger I felt. Even now, I was living two lives, the life in which I was being abused, and the life in which I was not. But the line dividing the two was diminishing. I became aware of what was happening to me. My problem was not that I faced pain during the abuse; it was that I felt nothing. I would lie like a log of wood. I was absolutely nihilistic. But now it was getting difficult, as I was gaining consciousness from my trance. I was understanding what pain feels like. Every day was getting worse, a thousand revolting voices rang in my mind.
One day, the revolution took definite form. My relative pounced on me, and I kicked him. My eyes were red and bloodshot, and I ground my teeth and said 'NO'. A loud and clear 'NO'. This is all that it took to end this ordeal. Once and forever.
Because of Jimmy, I started speaking up slowly for animal rights. I then started standing up for myself. And the slander campaign in college helped me because I had nothing to hide now. The college, in fact, helped as it saw a spark in me, and soon I was on stage performing and letting myself loose. I found recognition, and support, and decided to speak up. I make it a point now to speak about this taboo topic. Sadly, but not to my surprise, I have found many more boys open up to me in anonymity—the 'sailing in the same boat' syndrome. I help them as much as I can and later direct them to psychotherapists, though I don't feel they follow up.
Meanwhile, I realised that I was getting attracted to men. I always thought it was because of abuse, but then I realised that when I was being abused, I never felt sexual. I did have sexual relations with a girl, consensual of course. And realised that I don't feel for females sexually. I couldn't marry a girl to just prove that I am not a result of my past. I finally realised that I was naturally gay. I ventured, I Googled—people in support groups like Gay Bombay helped me realise that there is a big gay world and being so was normal. My parents accepted me the way I am.
I am 30 now. It has taken me years to comprehend that I am not a remnant of my past. And that was when I stopped 'growing from' and started 'growing into'. I have made a conscious decision to speak about child sexual abuse, because ignorance about sex abuse didn't help me. And the one who wrote 'ignorance is bliss' had the dictum working for him. I cannot be him.
>>>end>>
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I WAS bi, I AM Gay
“I had been through the straight path, it didn’t suit me. So here I am, GAY. Cock sure now! 100% gay.” this conversation with one’s inner self is what many of us engage in. I have spoken to many people who have walked the “straight” path to discover “finally” that they don’t belong to that space. Though scientists have said time and again, that our genes determine our sexual orientation, there always a thought lingering in our minds about “circumstantially imbibed homosexuality.”
Though, not all Indian parents discuss sex and sexual preferences at the dinner table, we are given to believe, consciously and subconsciously, that we will grow up to have a happy married life… husband-wife-kids et al. We accept this without question, without doubt. And this subconsciously plays up all through our lives. The worldview becomes our view. And that view aligns itself so very befittingly in our being that it sometimes takes eons to excavate our true self from this complex collage of infused attitudes.
I have a friend; his name is “A” – a man who was “successfully” married to a woman. (How I gauge success? Well, he has 2 children. And also, the kids look like him. That’s stands testimony, doesn’t it?) “A” had a colorful life. He enjoyed the best of both worlds. He was a regular at Gay parties and didn’t ever reach late for the very pampering Karva Chowth. He ambled on parallel lanes… and managed it efficiently to ensure that both don’t meet even in the farthest sight. I heard from our common gay pals that he is extremely virile when on the act with them. He also seemed to have settled well with his wife. All was hunky dory with his life until the day he went in a quest of his true self. It looked like a classic case of familiarity breeding contempt. He suddenly didn’t like the company of his wife. He was impulsive and repulsive with his kids. “Not that I was in love with a guy” he said “but am just bored of playing to the gallery”. Eventually, he ended up with a divorce for reason that was not homosexuality but bigamy. He got a friend of his to play the role of the “other woman” and staged his way out of the marriage. “Why did you marry at the first place”, I asked him. He replied “I was bisexual”. I was amazed at his matter-of-factly reply. How simple it is to swing both ways and finally decide which way is yours! “What about the lives of others who are affected by this choice?” I wondered.
I mulled over this puzzling issue for quite some time. I looked for answers outside, whereas actually, the solutions lied within. I did a thorough introspection of my feelings. (Me- an out and about gay man) I was drawn to the age when my older cousin had a fetish for bosoms. He used to narrate the sexpisodes with heavily breasted women with utmost passion. Much so, I used to imagine of the woman. This was often coupled with some anatomical responses in my body which result in me adjusting myself to disallow full preview. “Was I straight then?” I wonder. When I turned from boy to man, it was hip to have a girlfriend. Chasing skirts was an everyday quotidian for my group of friends. I followed the troop. Neither did I enjoy what they did, nor did I enjoy aping them. Passing comments and discussing orgasms about and with the opposite sex wasn’t something that I was good at. But still I ended up fooling my colleagues to believe that I am like them- Straight.
It took some time for me to allow my innate sexuality to emerge undisguised. I started interacting with my kind- gay men. That facilitated a greater understanding of the simple issue of sexual orientation that we strive to make complex with stiff mindsets.
I pass not a verdict, but express my understanding… I feel homosexual habits and homosexuality are two different things. There is thick distinction between the two. Let’s take an imaginary example, we often hear of handsome groups of gay hostellers. The question that dwells in our minds are “did they become gay after close proximity with other boys?…”. (What a great coincidence it would be if they were all gay by birth and met one day at the hostel!) I presume that hostellers, young and libidinous, would feel the void for a woman to satiate their fantasies. Engaging in homosexual acts with peer and near might just be a means to quench this thirst. The person might not be a homosexual, but might be engaging in homosexual acts. This could be well termed as “Homosexual Habit” whereas not the persons innate orientation.
Speaking about sexual orientation, let me take my own example, my first sexual fantasy was not about a person from the opposite sex. As adolescence set in, my hormones naturally reacted to the sight of handsome hunks. I did appreciate the beauty of the opposite sex, but (without mincing words…) bulges appealed to me and not bosoms.
I have heard the statement myriad times by people who support gay rights “everyone has the right to choose to be gay”. The reality is that “We didn’t choose to be gay. We were born this way.”
It takes a lot of courage to take your stand. But nothing’s as fulfilling as being what you are.
There are no bi lanes to gayness. Let us not let society bi the gay.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Mumbai Twestival – A SuperFuntastic Experience
Does a cause fund raiser need to be necessarily drab and boring with hyperventilating activists and very difficult unpalatable words…??? That’s how the cliché is na. But we are alag and unique. We do it with a lot of spunk and funk. We danced, wrangled and twined, and we do not cry and whine about what we couldn’t, but we jumped and dived into what we could. 3 cheers to the organizers of the Mumbai Twestival, @Netra @Mokshjuneja @farrhad and @monikkam for organizing this unique event, and thinking of supporting a social cause, whilst having fun. And Hadippa! What fun we had. I told Moksh that id be meeting him before 6:30, and reached around 7:30. In Bombay you always have an excuse – Traffic. And that’s so a passé to say – Traffic mein fas gaya tha. The evening started with Netra screaming and screeching (very school head-ministerni like ) on the Mic, And if you thought she was angry, frustrated or something. You are absolutely wrong. She was just thanking the sponsors. When we thought ”gayii bhains paani mein”, Outta blue cometh Our pretty lady - @SrushtiRao made a celebrittyish late entry. She came Post that we had singing sessions, and then we finally vacated the place. Our masti continued on the streets, on our way to dinner, and back home. tHe feeling was truly resonating.... vibrations of the twestival were felt ....persistently hammering us even now, 30 hours later. In Joy, P.S. Mind naat my Englisss man! Im still dancing while I am typing. P.P.S. I have stolen all photos from the Facebook Accounts of Moksh Juneja, Mayank Gupta and Annkur. Schhh! Don’t tell anybody. Here are the links: Moksh’s Album , Mayank’s Album and Annkurs Album 
The Sponsors Were Bombay Store, Only Gizmos, Cadbury Bournville, Tata DoCoMo, Shoppers Stop, and also free themes for blogs by Sandeep Bali and musical night invitation by Mihir – (Yay! Yay!) The sweetheart that Netra is , she handed over the mic to each of the sponsors, and thankfully, the sponsors dint talk about the offers of their product or engage in loud brand promotion, but rather spoke about the larger cause that the Twestival was supporting the Nonprofit organization “Help A Child”.Help a child by the beautiful @andreaclear is an organization that supports deserving students who drop out because of lack of requisite funds with tuition fee and allied education costs.Netra all of a sudden. Called me and shoved the mic onto my gullet. (LOL) I thought of an innovative way of getting people introduced. I chose to call it Speed Dating. I asked people to come over and introduce themselves and asked the audience if they were a hit or a miss. After some 7-8 people the interest level dwindled and my concept fell flat on its face (sad puppy face) We needed something peppier, something that was more upbeat and appealed to all and sundry.
The Queen of the day was definitely Srushti and the king, Moksh!
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