Wednesday, February 20, 2008

(AHAM part # 01) *CAUTION : EMOTIONAL TRIGGER* 'Aham' , Who Is Aham?

since many days i had been contemplating, contemplating to put the deep dark facts (cant call them secrets, the world knows about it, but yet they are deep they are very very personal) pertaining to my life, something that ive had the nerves to speak on international television, but yeah, took my time to type it here as i knew that this page has a high residual value and well, this is my mouthpiece .

as sheetal puts it, a blog should be a podium for self expression... rather than just for socialistic or creative endeavors,
righto sheetal!

let me begin with an incident this dates back to around the mid 80s, when a child of 6 so innocent.
went to have bath with his male relative - a 40+ man.
it was just another day for him.
he and this man were nude.
not a piece of clothing in either bodies,
the man gets close to the child and soaps him to rich lather and suddenly starts playing with the child’s penis.
the child didn’t know how to react. the child didn’t mind it.
guess it felt nice, though weird.
the man asks the child to do the same to him.
and the child obliges.

then the man teaches the child a new trick. he asks the child to suck his penis.
the child resents, as the child finds it distasteful.

now that’s not what the man would like. would he?
he forces his penis on the child’s mouth.
the child struggles.
the child moves off
and cries loudly.
the male relative scares the child and tells him that he will be killed and so will everyone in his family if he opens up to any one.
the child gets scared.
the guy asks him again to suck his penis.
the child obliges.

the bath is over.
the man spurts out a white liquid on the face of the child.
he gets scared looking at that.
he waits to run out of the bathroom and hug his aunt.
suddenly, there is a knock at the bathroom door...
'i will be back in a while' says the aunt.
the childs face turns pale.
and there is a twinkle in his male relatives eyes.
something that said 'baby the game has just begun'.
the child is lifted with a pair of lusty hands and pushed on the cot.
the man still nude, turns the child around and pushes his penis into the childs anus.
the child tries to scream in agony.
his mouth is gagged. tears flow through the childs eyes continuously.
until the tears dry.
the child surrenders to the pain.
he gives up his protest.
the child feels his anus with his hand.
and his hands get soiled in a red liquid.
the liquid is blood.

this is the beginning. just the beginning.
then, again and again, the child goes through the ordeal .
and this continued for 11 long years.

what do you think the child would've done?
would he have committed suicide?
taken to drugs?
become an alcoholic?
or turned an abuser himself?

well all your assumptions are wrong.

this child is living.
he is smiling.
he doesnt look for hope.
he is the hope.
he is giggling.
he remembers his painful past. it is a part of his being.
but looks at it as an opportunity to empathise with the pain of others who have been through similar chaos.

the child is writing this blog.
the child is me.
thats why i call myself aham.
'aham' because it is about the 'me' in me that i never realized for 11 years.
'aham' because if read in reverse, aham reads as 'maha' or humongous... that’s what the degree of my pain has been.

'aham' because i am proud.
proud of myself.
i feel blessed. i am living, not existing.

p.s. i am drained. sapped. reliving those memories isn’t easy. i will post more about this transformation brom an abused victim to a spirited survivor in parts.

i should confess though. that i feel relieved. though the abuse doesnt haunt me today.
but such unpleasant memories dont leave you that easily and whenever i remember it definatly depresses me.



Aaditya M. Joshi said...

I'm speechless.

The blog brings a wide range of emotions to me. And I frankly have no words, Aham... While the initial portions made me feel I shouldn't read this, the latter half said a great deal of things about you.

There's surprise, there's shock, there's sympathy. There's empathy. There's positivity. But the feeling that stays in my mind after I read this blog is pride! Pride of knowing a person like you!

And though I've written my longest comment to any blog ever, I still say - I am speechless. Because it feels like I haven't said anything yet.

Anonymous said...

Jai Gurudev!
ma collection Memoirs of the Interrupted Innocence was also an effort to voice aganist the the ugle act of child abuse. As an human such an act disturbs ma soul...Well i would call it pristine scar that people dont want to aknowledge.... but wotz the point...... Parents and Kids have to talk about it. Globally the sex crimes against kids are increasing..... I would add to all this we recently resuced a girl. Also from fashion she had been sexually abused by her father for 5 years..... These findings leave a human with even an iota of feeling, numb! Yes in Africa and South Asia both underaged Boys and Girls are being used as sex toys.... this shameful act should be condemned..... and We ppl need to talk about on social forums.... our kids are in danger who next day our kid writes a similar memoir.......

Kush said...

I read your postings "homo(...)bi(...)" and "perverted pradators" in succession. And in both of them, melancholy and optimism ran side by side. As you said the blog for you is "a podium of self expression", an interface which allows you to communicate your inner thoughts, your present, your past and everything in between. But I am wondering, if you could take this interface to a different level and use it to investigate and interrogate issues which you think need answers. Your blog could then invite reactions which can help advance a question and thus, contribute more strongly and in a more directed way to bringing about the "change that you want to see in this world" (Gandhi). What do you think?

Divita said...

my vocabulary is incompetent to say anything. i just wish i could take the 6 year old, wrap him in a warm quilt and give him a hug and say, "the world aint that bad a place to live". but then again, the boy has done far better than living in his past. thank you for writing this aham, for all those who are haunted by their tragic or vulnerable memories, vulnerable i say because they were not at fault. i wonder when will i master that courage...

deeply moved. a shiver running down my spine, i think something heavy just dropped into my stomach. ugh....!

ek-ladki-anjaani-si said...

I dare to ask, did you ever confront this uncle? Did you ever oust him in front of his children perhaps?

Do your parents know what this man did to you? Should I have dared to ask?

Vinz aka Vinu said...

i cant believe such things actually does in newspapers, but always thought its all masala..

now coming from one who got the guts to write it, though not fully digested, i am still finding it hard...

Megha said...

I just couldn't trust what i was reading ! it was blur as tears were filled......loads of anger inside as to how could someone do that.....did you ever tell everyone what kinda of a horrible man he was ?? well trust me such people need to be punished.
Another thing that struck me was we were seeing you everyday in school & your trauma never ever showed on yor face you were always smiling with those dimples :) and always there for anyone who needed your help & support. God bless you man & seriously not in a state of mind to write anything more just a bit too blank to think !
All the best in life & hope that people like ur uncle really pay for the crime they do !!

Nadhiya Mali said...

oh my god, harish, this is so very sad.... so very sad, i was not able to read it after a point..

I just wished it never happened to you...

but kudos to your courage,

U ve lived up to it and still smiling and most importantly u want to spread the word by all means and by all costs.

trust me if your uncle reads this blog, he will die of guilt....

I wish u all my happiness and all the happiness in the world and courage to spread the word....

All the very best...

god bless you!!

Prats said...

I don't know who said this, I heard it first time in a Boyzone song,
When the going gets tough the tough gets going...

You are a fighter a survivor and you are tough guy... Kudos to you for fighting it out and then still some more...

Keep Enjoying Life!!!

Yet another guy said...

My eyes are moist after reading this!
I am really happy to see the way you've grown up to be! Cheers to you!

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