Monday, March 03, 2008

(AHAM Part # 03) Straight... Gay... Bi... What The Fuck Am I?

i was in a perplexed state. didn't know which route to take. and when you don't know which road to take, you tend to follow the one that everyone ambles on. i was no different. i thought it was normal to think about girls. so i spent a lot of time thinking about them. rather forcing my self to think about them, sexually. but, i didn't have any feeling of sexuality. so to develop one, i used to spend long hours in the bathroom. forcing myself to think of girls. every time. but i didn't feel titillated by their breasts or their feminine charm. i thought i was abnormal. i thought that my abuse is making me asexual. i felt weak mentally. i couldn't let someone walk on me and leave a negative impact on me for life. terrible, it felt to reach climax without an orgasm. it was like fighting a battle with my inner self. nature seemed to be against me.

dekhte dekhte, years passed and i fell in love with a girl 5 years younger than me. gunjan. i loved her and still do. not all relations have a name. ours didn't. we were close to each other. but i never hit on with her as if we were boyfriend girlfriend. there were no kisses. no passionate hugs. nothing. we were just too fond of each other. i thought that was love. and it was. but love of a different kind. she is someone whom i looked up to. besides being enigmatic, saw her as someone who held her head firm on her shoulders. that was what i wanted my better half to be. i did dream of a life with her. and who wouldn't, she is just 5 something in height. but had and has wisdom that is incomparable.

but as i said this is love of a different kind. i soon realised that i wasn't feeling like what conventional lovers do. i didn't want to get into something that i was so unsure of. i couldn't take someone along with me when i don't know where i was heading. we were very good friends. and we thought that it was best to leave it at that.

then years passed, flings with the opposite sex happened. none with any sexual overtones. meanwhile, i started acknowledging that i had a thing for men. i was attracted to them. i held my self back many times, thinking that this was because of my sex abuse . almost every time failing to realise that i as truly asexual at that time. i never felt any thing for men or women then. but now, things were taking a different turn.

like a small rivulet that connected an island river to the ocean, i flowed. i acknowledged that i was feeling sexual towards men. i started reading, surfing and updating myself. somehow, even though i knew taht i was gay, i thought that this is just a momentary feeling and that things will change in some time. i couldn’t visualize myself with a man. i loved kids, wanted to have mine too. secondly, my family, i thought would never consent to my sexual orientation. i didn’t want to be ostracized.

it was a scary phase. where on one end, i was emerging victorious (referring to sex abuse)and the other end i was battling to find my own identity. my sexual identity. i knew what i was. just that i took time to acknowledge. i started attending gay bombay meets. i started networking with people. i realized that gay relations were much beyond one night stands. there was much more to a conversation than just 'how big are you, are you top bottom or versatile, home alone?, have place? vagaira vagaira.

but still, i thought that i should be getting married to a woman. the guilt of the fact that i would not be giving her any sexual pleasure was eating me up. i thought i would be using her, faking emotions and lying to her... that was so unlike me. i couldn’t use her as a baby making machine. i had sex with a female commercial sex worker when i had been abroad. i couldnt use a woman as a gunea pig for my sexpriments. and i didnt not want to do something like that in india, as i knew women were forced into flesh trade here. the place i had been to treated sex as a business. where the sex workers had government licenses. it was sex with consent. after the act, i realized that when i had an orgasm, when i came, i thought of a man, and all throughthe act, i had to forget that i was with a woman and think that it was a man to maintain my erection.

(yes, i had sex with a woman, a commercial sex worker. many do. but dont have the balls to accept it. i dont recommend sex with a commercial sex worker to any body. but had this lady not been there. i wouldve be like a log of wood with no emotions. this lady, holds great respect in my eyes. now i know why csw's are called dev daasi's.
we feel shy to accept that we masturbate. someone proclaiming that he had sex with a csw would raise many eyebrows, i guess. i harbored guilt in my heart for having done that though the woman wasn’t forced into sex trade or anything like that. it truly was sex with consent. for her it was just a daily business. i also did manage to strike a conversation with her. she confessed that she willfully came into this ‘business’. )

i realized, that i should give up the thought of marrying a woman. i couldn’t endanger her rights. she has the right to sexual pleasure and freedom as much as i do. i cant deprive of that pleasure because of my sexual orientation.

i came home. the next step was to confess this to my mom… the first day that i told her, she explained to me that homosexuality was unnatural. when i tried to put my viewpoint across, she told me that i need to leave the house if i don't 'mend' my ways. as night approached she came to my room and explained that i might be feeling so as i am a survivor of child sex abuse. i told mom, that i can't do this to a women, i couldn't get married to a woman when i was actually gay. mom said that it's all in the mind. she insisted that i see a shrink. this was on a wednesday and i got an appointment with a psychologist on friday.

i didn’t sleep the whole night on wednesday, thursday morn i bunked work and sat all alone in the sea face at marine drive. admiring the waves that lashed to the shore with vengeance...empathizing with the waves that wanted to reach out further but were constricted by the sea face... i spent 10 hours in solitude.

i walked down from marine lines to sion... all the way hearing my inner voices, trying to reason with myself... i didn't’t know what future had in store for me. it was all so mysterious.

i came home and my mom noticed the much obvious question mark on my face. she took me to the dining table. sat across and said... "say, you want to tell me something, don’t you?” i told mom, 'mom, i will get married to a woman, accept the world view and make babies, have a 'complete' family. but mom, what about the women i get married to, wouldn’t she understand that i am faking an orgasm, wouldn’t she want to be loved and caressed wholesomely, physically, emotionally and sexually... mom, how can i stop her if she seeks pleasure elsewhere because i can’t satisfy her... mom, if you were the woman in question, will you get married to me... mom, would my children be happy with straying parents... mom... these are the questions that are raging in my mind. i know and understand mom that i am gay, but still mom, i love you, i trust you immensely. should you feel i should get married to women... i will do so. but i request you to find answers for the questions i asked you before you advise me.

my mom looked at me, caressed my hair, and whispered... 'i know. i understand. i understand that you are gay. but i wanted to know if you are sure of it yourself or it’s just a passing phase. now that you have given it a thought. and have thought so deeply. i am proud of you. i am proud that you thought of all of these factors, thought so deeply about the plight of women. gay or straight... you are my son. i am proud of you'

i cried, cried and cried... shed tears of joy.
yes, i am gay. id rather prefer to call my self as a person who loves people of his own gender rather than someone who has sex with people of his own gender.

as far as the law issue goes, having anal or oral sex is illegal under section 377. loving a person from my own gender isn’t illegal. i am gay by thoughts. i know, many might think that sex abuse made me gay. no it didn’t. i was gay. because i am this way, not because i had no other way. there's a difference between innate sexual orientation and imbibed sexual habits.and, i understand the difference well.

as far as sex goes, if sex is only for procreation, then man and woman should be mating only when they decide to have a baby. when they have it for recreation, its unnatural, isn’t it? sexuality is beyond just sex. it’s a state of being.

i’m happy and gay. or simply 'a happy gay'
p.s. i dont know what you'd think of me having read this post. if you think that i become a lesser friend, a lesser neighbour, a lesser employee, a lesser man, a lesser son, or for that matter a lesser human being please get your eyes tested. you suffer from myopia. learn to look beyond. if you think i should experiment with a woman by getting married. you are an anti social element. dreadful for the society.
yes i have the balls to accept my sexuality. not because i have to prove a point. but because, until people open up, there will be no awareness, man-man love will be a taboo forever. we cant expect change in the world, unless we change ourselves. like what m.k. gandhi had said, 'be the change you want to see in the world'. but at times, when people force you to change by enticing you, you need to follow this dictum coined by me
'change the change.don't let the change change you'


Savitha Venkat said...

There is a lot of fire in u just use it in the right way I know u to a certain extent , u have a unique chrisma in u I know u will really outshine in the near future.

Anonymous said...

Hi Harish.
am in tears!1
this is the story of every gay man in this world and am proud that u were able to come out of your closet and make your mom feel where you stand!

u are a lovely person, really applaud and salute you!!!


Pushkaraj Shirke said...

finally, a man with real balls .... keep it up.. keep rocking... n god bless u

- charuta (a friend of mine)

*Aham* said...

... thanks for your compliments charuta and savita, id be lying if i say that appreciation doesnt give me a high.

... vasu, thanks dear, its necessary that one comes to terms with his sexuality, more than his mom and family, what was more difficult a task for me was the task of owning up my own sexuality.

kunal bhatia said...

glad you know yourself know. it takes a lot of guts to get where you've got. all the best.
- kunal
(got your link via pushkaraj shirke)

sheetal said...

you are not gay...
or bi...
or try...

you are a person... whose sexuality is only one tiny aspect of him...
but yes he needs to deal with it first to move on to the million other magnificent aspects... like his creativity, his empathy, his love for animals, his insecurities, his need of being loved, his dreams, his destiny, his journey...
all in good time it will be indeed...
but for now...
you are my friend, and my love...
and i dont care whom you get into bed with...
for i have seen you in completeness
and you are splendid!!!

love u...
blog away....!!!

protocool said...

What do i think of this write up.

Your writing is honest, transparent, pure and heartfelt. These are a few qualities every man should have in his expressions.

You are brave, victorious and unique. May you have a great future and may your writing touch many more hearts and chords

MeetHalima said...

Hi I came across your blog from The Title Caught My Eye "The Pregnant Thought". After reading your post, your blog is just as I had expected it to be as far as the meaning behind your blog title. Perfect!

Well I saw this post of course after clicking onto your blog and had to read it because I actually have similar posts on my blog with a similar title that I wrote months ago. And I posted something today about the asexual subject.

I like what you stated: "id rather prefer to call my self as a person who loves people of his own gender rather than someone who has sex with people of his own gender." Very interesting read.

You're still getting to know about yourself, which is amazing. It's something the rest of the world ought to be making and taking the time to do. Conscious mind playing catch up with the Subconscious Mind. Great post!

visionsalmighty said...

With this post, you, not only have epitomized the freedom of expression, you have given thousands to celebrate the freedom of expression. It's time.


Limin M said...

Hats Off to u!!!!!

Man ur the changing face of the world!!!!!

10 hrs of solitude at marine drive!!!
It really was overwhelming

there are many out there going through a similar phase !!!hope they read this coz if this cant inspire break out to the world.......nothing would!!!

Keep blogging!!

Supa Gal said...

I always knew you were a very good writer. Though never knew your insights about life and everything it surounds. I cried, not because of your experiences, but simply because I never understood you in the beginning and was ignorant myself. Thanks my friend :)
I always hope to have more human beings like you around, to make life a lot easier. God Bless.

Prashit said...

What happened with you was really sad, but i feel you are a very strong person. You had the guts to come out and speak about your sexual preference, and that is something out of the world.
It really doesn't make a difference in how I know you. You are still the same person to me.
Take care.

sanjuayyar said...

We all live once. Live it up mate, you're a bravo!

ek-ladki-anjaani-si said...

After reading Part 1, I cried. I didn't even want to leave a comment, I still won't! I can't! I am still shook up. I don't know what to say, dammit!

After reading Part 2, I cheered for you, only thanks to Jimmy. Jimmy gave me hope, and you a re-incarnation. I still didn't post a comment because I was still shook up from Part 1. I stopped reading after that.

Part 3 - Now this! Who the hell cares whether you are gay or straight, really? In my eyes, you are a real man, with balls of iron. Henceforth, you are not less-of-a-friend, but more of an IDOL for me. I wish to learn so much from you, long to meet you very soon. Man, I zimblee adore you. Mmmmuaaaah!

Vinz aka Vinu said...

i think accepting it was the toughest part in your life..!!

Anonymous said...

Only today I saw Brokeback Mountain, although I do not understand your emotions and how one could possibly love someone of the same sex, I don't think of you as a lesser human being. I think it will be one thing I'll never understand in life -- nor try to understand. At the same time, I think of it as naturally legitimate, and not in any way inhuman or despicable. Good luck!


Prats said...

Man...Real respect for your mom...
What she did and let you be urself requires a lot of courage and conviction which only a mom can provide...
Convey my regards to her...

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