I ask myself a zillion times. Why should I be empathetic towards people? why should my eyes turn moist when I see pain? why can't I be as cold blooded as many I see? Isn't that easier that way?
In a pensive mood, today, I ruminate over the benefits of being numb. If you are numb, you don't need to worry about the person who is standing next to you in the ticket line. If you are numb, you don't need to give the watchman who salutes you a smile. If you are numb don't need to bother saying things like thank you and other pleasantries. If you are numb you could turn a blind eye to the butchery, enjoy your sheekh kebab and soothe yourself, "if not me someone else would have". If you are numb you needn't cry every night thinking of the scenes of the people in Taj who were relieved by death after experiencing the horror of terrorism. If you are numb, you would be comfortably numb. If you are numb, you could forget and walk past the gateway of India and forget the existence of Taj. If you are numb you could travel by enjoy the sight of the queen's necklace, and just remember the queen's necklace. If you are numb you could enjoy free rides in the train and tip off the ticket collector. If you are numb you could so easily relieve your frustration by mouthing a few anti Pakistan slogans. I am not the "you" I am talking about. I am me. A cursed wretched soul. Cursed to be empathetic Cursed because I can't sleep in the night. Cursed because I love my city. Cursed because I every night im visited by a nightmare of me being at Taj and escaping the trauma. I am cursed because there is fire in my belly to do something for my city and her people, and whatever efforts I take to extinguish this fire, it aint enough. It just aint enough.
I feel a lot of things, and many of what I feel could be termed as unusual or anti social. If I feel like one of the hostages, I also try to visualize what these terrorists; kids of 21-22 years must have gone through. I think of Kasab, who is the lone alive terrorist. How good a movie story this makes. Dad poor, Mom poor, Brother Laborer, son fights with father for a new dress on the auspicious occasion of ID. Son flees home, Son eventually lands up in al-Qaida camps when he is just an adult. He is brainwashed and told to slaughter a goat, a dog, and then a human and then a child to kill every little empathy he had. He is given ample food. His care takers become his messiah. He listens to their commands, gets ready to die for them. Is this possible only in Pakistan, isn't the situations that this child went through be in India too. Then, why blame a country. They were us at one time, weren't they? And secondly, do we have less corrupt people here in our country? There are civilians on that side too. Civilians like you and me who have nothing to do with the government.
My heart bleeds for Kasab, the same person who killed many innocents. I understand that I will be at the receiving end of a lot of wrath because of this. More so because Gandhi is History and history is cliché. I feel hatred is no solution. I wish Kasab is killed or he is cured. And that this is done soon.
Oh! Why do I think so much? Why cant I shut up, go watch a comic flick and enjoy? When the whole Mumbai has revived and has put 26/11 in the past. Why do I live with it? Why me?