Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Silence is the loudest cry…

I was playing another game, running on another path… dancing to another tune… waiting for another blossom… speaking to the various clouds and bubbles… I formed another world for myself. Where I let no one trespass, I let no one speak, the world I didn't share with any. I spoke to the voices within, and to the voices I listened… I was happy; I was content at the contents of my world. I was in pain. But still, I was pandered … joyously pimped in this little nonexistent "another"ness of my life. That an otherness that you call a myth, an illusion.

But then my wants increased and my anotherness became incapable of accommodating. The sun and moon were but one, I couldn't make another. Then my emotions emerged, and I realized the anotherness was a dormant volcano, that one day had to explode.. Dejected and low, I took a peep from there to your life. I spoke up. I came off my cozy cocoon, set myself absolved from the trammel and opened my eyes to the harsh reality… the reality that I was in. It was then, that I understood my pain was not so plain. Every tear in my body, deserved a tear to be shed.

I started living in your world. Started listening to your music. Started being the same person that you are. I then realized that abuse had made me a wreck. Much so, that I felt nothing. And designed a snug life for myself that facilitated me being nonexistent to pain. I cried aloud for had I felt pain, and had I learnt to say no, I would have had a childhood like you. I was jealous, I was angry. I perceived myself as cursed and unworthy. I thought I was different and had to prove to this god damn world that I am not. But with that I had also a task, a daunting task of telling the story of the other dangerous world that I was in before. So that no other child loses a childhood. So that, no other child makes friends with pain and feels nothing when beaten and abused and raped. Compared to that the fact that I had to align myself with the world and learn their diktats and the kitbags seemed quite trivial.

I spoke, I spoke shamelessly. Shamelessly to everybody. I went weak at times, but sported a smile and gave an ear to every friend to every acquaintance, to every stranger. Offloading their pain, and directing them to happiness became the fact of my being. But every time I saw through my another life, I broke from within. But I smiled. I just smiled.

It took me 11 years to dissociate my darkness from my light. It was a gradual process. People thought I was helpful and kind… they trusted me in Toto while they blurted their most well kept secrets to me. But I had lied to them and had been a compulsive liar to myself. I was infact helpful because I was in search of a gigantic pain, bigger than mine, so that my pain looks small. So that I could laugh at myself for having marinated in such a small issue for so long. I wanted to look a joker in my eyes. I just wanted that - One hearty laugh at myself. Finally I found it, and I bid good riddance to darkness.

From mulling within to channelizing my light and standing up for what I felt strongly emerged the real me. I rose above excavating the reasons for doing something, and just did it. Reasons wanished and love prevailed.

Today, I stand with a flock of friends, not because I have a past, but because I am present to the present. And I stand up for what I feel strongly about. I shy not before I hug a person. I think not twice before I say I love you. And I don't intend spend my life wondering if I was not abused would I have been different. As I know and now, I respect myself. And I believe that I could and I would love a person even if I had no past to state or future to date.

And I am today, because of the possibilities I create. And the possibilities that my people bestow on me like … My parents who stood by me when I decided to stand for what I felt. My friends who stop me when I ride too fast. (What have they to gain by letting me know that I need to gear?) My friends in twitter @nadhiyamali @viveksingh @meerasapra @prateekgupta @streetanchor @thenewbnb @unitechy @netra @mahafreed @ankita_gaba and the list is endless… who send me unlimited hugs from the virtual twitter world. My girlfriends Rekha and Kiran about whom I have to think and intuitively my phone rings… My Kush, who calls me and guides me carefully that he sounds not forceful. My BlogDost Shobhaa De who replies to every mail of mine and just is a great virtual friend. My Seema Aunty, teh confidence on whom was one of the main reasons that i decided to speak up against child abuse on TV... it was a programme that she was researching for. My Payal Shah Karwa who is drafting a book on me… and Onir, who saw my life and the lives of many others like me, worthy enough to be converted to reel and to be told to everybody. Meghna, my friend who made an august beginning to Abhimanyu funding seconds after hearing of the project. My professors Lakhbir and Papiya who encouraged me in college. And above all, my girl Lisa who welcomes me with a lick and doesn't leave me until I let go of my little woes.

I have got all that I could ask for. I have got all that I want. But I am crying from within today. It's a battle that's paradoxical in nature. I'd be blatantly lying if I say that I don't like the attention and the love, but it's also true that I am not liking it when I meet pretentious people… who flock me and think of me as a celebrity… I don't mind a compliment, but I dislike people who nothing but are a herd of seemingness. I hate the fact that even a statement that's meant to be a pun, is made serious… I wonder if humour has died or am I abnormally irritating. And also, I have a few of my closest who don't like my very public life and without asking or reasoning with me has formed their own perceptions. It hurts, it really hurts. And I speak when it hurts. I write when it hurts. You need to have love to share it. So I am speaking out, and making this murkiness truly momentary, by just gift wrapping it with my words on this space.

I need to learn to deal with this. And I will. And I will have a few hiccups. Hold me then… for I will not shy to ask you your hand, my friends. As I move on to newer phases of my life that I am discovering.. Discovering newer silence, and encountering newer voices…

"Some rivers never end to flow;

they simply change their trajectory,

to form another delta, to enrich another land"

11 comments:

adee said...

if u live ur life as others want u to, if u do everything as others want u to... it'll take u nowhere and turn u into those very others, who dictate, advice, abuse non-conformers like d original u

*Aham* said...

i used to adee , i do not now. :) i live life by the choices i make. The way i wish to live life.

Prats said...

Flow of rivers changed, destinies provide,
People die but friendships survived.

Yay!!! I made it to the Friends ka list Yay!!!

Incognita said...

"My anotherness became incapable of accommodating."

"Then my emotions emerged, and I realized the anotherness was a dormant volcano, that one day had to explode.."


You have described with such exquisite insight and honesty, the process of breaking free from the self-isolating cocoon that you shielded yourself in, to escape the pain of years of abuse. Thank you for your courage in doing this and reaching out to people.

"Hold me then… for I will not shy to ask you your hand, my friends."

This is very moving and we will not hesitate to take your hand when you need. I believe you will inspire many others to shed their own shyness and reach out.

henry J said...

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candy man said...

Aham,

Need your though on this
I think its kinda must read for every gay man.

http://snoopythoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/wanna-connect.html

Viji said...

/"Some rivers never end to flow;


they simply change their trajectory,


to form another delta, to enrich another land"/...Very B'ful:-). Rivers do change their course!!

This is my first visit to your blog, and i found it very, very interesting!

Cheers, Viji

*Aham* said...

:)

Fabby Boi said...

Just wonder luv .. Don't you think there is a need of make over for ur blog .. i mean new theme with new feature which google provide for free ?

Latest post:

http://snoopythoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/shag-tree.html

http://snoopythoughts.blogspot.com/2009/07/silent-escape-of-indian-bollywood.html

Love
Sunny

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

I dont know you, but on a condition that you accept this unquestioningly ---> *Huggg*

*Aham* said...

hugs... Jil Jil

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