Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I WAS bi, I AM Gay

“I had been through the straight path, it didn’t suit me. So here I am, GAY. Cock sure now! 100% gay.” this conversation with one’s inner self is what many of us engage in. I have spoken to many people who have walked the “straight” path to discover “finally” that they don’t belong to that space. Though scientists have said time and again, that our genes determine our sexual orientation, there always a thought lingering in our minds about “circumstantially imbibed homosexuality.”

Though, not all Indian parents discuss sex and sexual preferences at the dinner table, we are given to believe, consciously and subconsciously, that we will grow up to have a happy married life… husband-wife-kids et al. We accept this without question, without doubt. And this subconsciously plays up all through our lives. The worldview becomes our view. And that view aligns itself so very befittingly in our being that it sometimes takes eons to excavate our true self from this complex collage of infused attitudes.
I have a friend; his name is “A” – a man who was “successfully” married to a woman. (How I gauge success? Well, he has 2 children. And also, the kids look like him. That’s stands testimony, doesn’t it?) “A” had a colorful life. He enjoyed the best of both worlds. He was a regular at Gay parties and didn’t ever reach late for the very pampering Karva Chowth. He ambled on parallel lanes… and managed it efficiently to ensure that both don’t meet even in the farthest sight. I heard from our common gay pals that he is extremely virile when on the act with them. He also seemed to have settled well with his wife. All was hunky dory with his life until the day he went in a quest of his true self. It looked like a classic case of familiarity breeding contempt. He suddenly didn’t like the company of his wife. He was impulsive and repulsive with his kids. “Not that I was in love with a guy” he said “but am just bored of playing to the gallery”. Eventually, he ended up with a divorce for reason that was not homosexuality but bigamy. He got a friend of his to play the role of the “other woman” and staged his way out of the marriage. “Why did you marry at the first place”, I asked him. He replied “I was bisexual”. I was amazed at his matter-of-factly reply. How simple it is to swing both ways and finally decide which way is yours! “What about the lives of others who are affected by this choice?” I wondered.
I mulled over this puzzling issue for quite some time. I looked for answers outside, whereas actually, the solutions lied within. I did a thorough introspection of my feelings. (Me- an out and about gay man) I was drawn to the age when my older cousin had a fetish for bosoms. He used to narrate the sexpisodes with heavily breasted women with utmost passion. Much so, I used to imagine of the woman. This was often coupled with some anatomical responses in my body which result in me adjusting myself to disallow full preview. “Was I straight then?” I wonder. When I turned from boy to man, it was hip to have a girlfriend. Chasing skirts was an everyday quotidian for my group of friends. I followed the troop. Neither did I enjoy what they did, nor did I enjoy aping them. Passing comments and discussing orgasms about and with the opposite sex wasn’t something that I was good at. But still I ended up fooling my colleagues to believe that I am like them- Straight.
It took some time for me to allow my innate sexuality to emerge undisguised. I started interacting with my kind- gay men. That facilitated a greater understanding of the simple issue of sexual orientation that we strive to make complex with stiff mindsets.
I pass not a verdict, but express my understanding… I feel homosexual habits and homosexuality are two different things. There is thick distinction between the two. Let’s take an imaginary example, we often hear of handsome groups of gay hostellers. The question that dwells in our minds are “did they become gay after close proximity with other boys?…”. (What a great coincidence it would be if they were all gay by birth and met one day at the hostel!) I presume that hostellers, young and libidinous, would feel the void for a woman to satiate their fantasies. Engaging in homosexual acts with peer and near might just be a means to quench this thirst. The person might not be a homosexual, but might be engaging in homosexual acts. This could be well termed as “Homosexual Habit” whereas not the persons innate orientation.
Speaking about sexual orientation, let me take my own example, my first sexual fantasy was not about a person from the opposite sex. As adolescence set in, my hormones naturally reacted to the sight of handsome hunks. I did appreciate the beauty of the opposite sex, but (without mincing words…) bulges appealed to me and not bosoms.
I have heard the statement myriad times by people who support gay rights “everyone has the right to choose to be gay”. The reality is that “We didn’t choose to be gay. We were born this way.”
It takes a lot of courage to take your stand. But nothing’s as fulfilling as being what you are.
There are no bi lanes to gayness. Let us not let society bi the gay.
reposted from Pink-Pages


nituscorner said...

an interesting honest write up in this society filled with hypocrisy.

*Aham* said...

thanks Nitu! hugs

H said...

I actually followed the opposite trajectory...
I started off thinking I was gay but now I'm pretty convinced I'm bi...I guess its different for everyone!
And as for colleagues/friends believing very easily that you're straight...I've realised that it's just the more convenient/non-controversial/safest thing to believe..so they do what comes easiest!

The World From my Eyes said...


Really appreciate this article! Even though i was never against homosexuality, I was always of the view of "letting people choose their own sexuality". Through this write-up I have understood that there is no choice it is either this or that

But am completely against bisexual whatever you call it it's bigamous in its real sense!

*Aham* said...



@the world from my eyes

thank you. the reality is taht just as homosexuality is natural, bi sexuality is too.

one of my friends calls bisexuals "greedy" where as some call them "needy".. teh reality though is that they are just as natural as homosexuals or straight

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

I agree with H saying believing someone is straight is the most 'comfortable' outlook for most people.

To such an extent they would go out of their ways to ignore any sign of homosexuality. True story.

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