Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Rajneeti - an orgasm gone awry

this is adults only. Dont read. if you are below 18. Or if you are one of those who cant take things in a lighter vein and are quick to judge... Dont read further. 

Dildo bachha hai ji. 
(my title for a tribute to the national award winning arjun ramphal)

this film speaks volumes about petty men and pretty women. o! before i do cheer-faad of the story and rape it completely. let me get you introduced to the star cast.

  • smooch kumari (aka kunti.. played by someone)

  • slug (smooch's hubby)

  • dukhi raja (smoochy's papa)

  • chaggan naath (nanapatekar the man behind all the shadyantra, he is smoochy's brother... why chaggannaath?? you need to complete the sentence – apna haath.... and rhyme the word )

  • gochu (played by naseer)

  • dildo – (arjun rampal – son of slug and smooch. what character of mahabharat does he play??)

  • just one shot - ( younger bro of dildo. – played by current maal-gaadi ranbir – he just has one sex scene in the film – thats his power – just one shot)

  • ipill ( dukhi's another grand son, dildo and just-one-shot's cousin. he is called ipill because, he is useless )

  • slutty savi3 (a sex bimbo.. .god knows her name????)

  • dohpati (katrina almost has 2 pati's so how can she be called "panchaali")

  • choosela aam (aka karan played by ajay devgan oops.... devgn it should be. he looks like a choosela aam)

  • sexy soozie (some chikni chokri from italy)

the film begins on a high note there is commotion, drama and a hazaar people at an election rally. some silly political party is screeching on the microphone. it is a campaign for promoting dukhi raja. gochu (naseer) belongs to some dalit party and he raises many brows when he openly protests and takes on the stage. as he speaks the microphone is switched off. but his determination is bang on. he manages to scare away the political party ka big boss – dukhi raja.

gochu has already won the heart of dukhi raja's daughter- smooch kumari. one day, smooch kumari enters greying gochu's hamlet, and starts playing with the droplets of rain. a worried gochu hurriedly pulls her hand as he doesn't like her wet. she might catch cold you see. as his body touches hers, her heart goes bumping and her hormones pumping. she catches the oldie gochus head and pulls his lips close to hers. her lips touch his, his tongue goes in. and they do the sin. morning morning whilst she lay on the bed, sleeping nangi , gochu writes a letter in which he says that he is sorry for all that happened... he just flowed with his jasbaat and all that crap. the dukhi putri is upset. and guess what, she forgot to pop a pill. (that often happens when it is the maamla of the dil). she is preggy. and within seconds, her tummy develops, and she squeals of labour pain. and comes out the baby – the rightful yuvraj of dukhi raja. but suddenly, smooch kumari's brother chaggannath comes in the frame, takes the baby and drops it in a basket, wrapped in a red stroll> the merciless man sets the basket out in the river. the child reaches a poor family. (does it ring a bell.. aiyyo aiyyo aiyoo)

now, years later, the film shows smooch kumari married with another man. (now he isn't important enough to mention, lets call him "slug" ) okay, so smooch kumari's husband is mr. slug. smooch and slug have 2 sons dildo (arjun) and just-one-shot (ranbir). dildo is the heir of the political empire, he thinks so, but he has some tough competition. the competitor – ipill bajpayee (dukhi raja's other grandson, and dildo's cousin). this is the background of the fight. (you may feel free to label one as pandav and one as kaurav. which one... you decide)

now the grand dad – dukhi raja is in his death bed. he calls in his sons and grandsons, and gives the right of being the next chief minister to son-in-law – slug. now thats not something that ipill bajpayee will take lying down. he is red with anger. he teams up with dalit leader – choosela aam (devgn) (this after a series of shadyantras which is hilarious to watch and difficult to pen). now choosela aam is the real prankster, he decides to get mr. slug killed. he succeeds. slug is killed and poor smooch kumari now wears a white saree.

now, the grand dad dukhi gives the rein of the political empire in dildo's hands. but you know... dildo paagal hai, dildo deewana hai. there is one party worker who wants a seat – she is slutty savi3. she walks in a room full of ministers, and drops her pallu. dildo is excited and asks others t o leave the room hallu hallu. they go and he comes. he cant wash it off that easily. not that he had protein stains like how bill did. but he lands in a big locha. slutty alleges rape. and poor dildo is arrested. and it is advantage ipill. (sob sob)

now comes to the fore – just-one-shot (ranbir). he confirms to ipill that he and dildo will flee to america if the charges are dropped. ipill falls into the trap, and ends up losing his throne. he loses his cool on his co-party-chief choosela aam. but they buck up with the devoted slutty by their side. they do some ghapla, and get expelled from the party. but while they rejoice, even "just-one-shot" is rejoicing, as this was his masterplan. he floated his own party.

the new party of justoneshot and dildo doesn't have any money. there is this one girl who is madly in love with just-one-shot from bachpan. her father is a wealthy man. but insists that he will get his daughter "dohpati" (kat) married only to the next chief minister. just-one-shot gives her up, and like a football she is kicked seedha on the older brother dildo's lap. dildo and she don't consummate the marriage. not as yet at the suhaag raat.

now the family gets funded with the money of dohpati's pop. suddenly ipill vanishes. and dildo flourishes. but dildo is again toppled down by a vilify campaign against him by ipill and group.

now enter sexy suzie, who is just-one-shot 's old girlfriend. as she comes in, there is jealousy brewing in the eyes of dohpati. now while domestically, the temperatures are soaring high. politically, just-one-shot decides to topple ipills empire. there was one guy who spoke against the dildo empire, and declared it corrupt. he is in the council of ministers of ipills' empire. he is gay. and has sexual encounters with masseurs, his photo is clicked in "those" moments, his masseur is killed and he is blackmailed. a few frames further, he unravels the picture, and proclaims on tv that ipill is corrupt. before he switches back, he is killed by just-one-shot.

now how could ipill be quiet. choosela aam, strategizes to get just-one-shot or dildo killed. plants a bomb on his vehicle. parallelly, just-one-shot helps sexy suzzie bathe under the shower. and he smooches her, and does naughty things. you know those things. just as to-be-mother-in-law smooch kumari, this babe from italy gets preggy. but soon decides to flee to her country as her beau has changed. she realizes that he has not only killed one person (the homosexual minister) but has also got his men drag slutty to some place for "revenge".

she packs her bags and sets off to leave. as she touches the car, the car blasts. and as her beau watches, dildo who again has just lost his virginity to his wife dohpati dies trying to save his missed-bhabhi... (confusing??? i love it)

now chaggannath, goes to kill "choosela aam". our-of-the-blue for no apparent reason- choosela aam's parents reveal that choosela aam is not their son (heinnn... why????) they bring out the red cloth, which is as durable and shining as it was after so many years. chagannnath gets emotional, realizes he is his nephew and leaves him. he comes back and tells his sister smooch kumari... "woh tumhaara beta hai". saddened smooch, wastes no time in meeting "choosela aam". she tells him "tum toh mere jyesht putra ho. yeh raj toh tumhari hai." (most hilarious line of the film... you should not miss this one) naturally, choosela declines the offer.

finally, some drama cinema happens, (not important)and choosela is shot dead by his step brother (or half brother... ???) just-one-shot. meanwhile, dohpati becomes chief ministerni. woman power!

story ends. and the are credits and a song with music chorried (say inspired if you please) from vande mataram.

this is a film you should not miss. just that you should think that it is a comedy and not a tragedy film.

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