Monday, February 22, 2010

Ambivalence










today i am in a difficult state of mind. my heart is wrenched and my chest is drenched with the tears of my squeezed conscience. i wish to scream and yet am in love with the uneasy quiet in my mind. a thousand conflicting emotions depicting voices of my heart and soul… with a face so scarred, eyes so starved, i am scared. 

i attempted to make my both worlds meet, to be that somebody that i was on screen. that somebody who was nothing but a fistful of fears and a plethora of contradictions. i visited that gory past that i had been through for acting in a film. a film where i was myself, the role of a child sex abuse survivor, who exhibits valence and benevolence even with the most violent and inhumane of people. 

i thought i could. i thought this is all that i wanted to. i thought, since i had quite an expertise on stage, at one phase of my life, i could pull it off. i was confident. but i over estimated my potentials. and as a result of my experimentations with the lies i was saying on screen, i had several real characters put in jeopardy.

the film was being directed by my old and close friends with an expertise gathered over 100 + ads, documentaries ensemble. they thought i could, they could see me as the character i was portraying on screen. i was seeing myself as the character too. but i just couldn't perform. i thought i could shed all inhibitions. i thought i could unfeel and feel at the same time. i felt i could be a blinded from my past and yet be wounded to my past. that was far from the truth. they gave off several offers of work and put all their senses and efforts in this film. they did everything, location scouting, props, the complete production- everything. and the lest i could do, is support them with a performance, which they thought i could. and which i thought i could. and which i couldn't.

and they tried to extract the best of me. wrote a role that any actor would die for. the character not preachy but something that with shake your conscience and make you think. they really tried. and i tried. and i couldn't. all through the rehearsals, i kept them in the dark of the raging conflicts in my mind. they kept asking me, why i don't feel. little did they know that i did feel. and felt too much. why i don't act like how it should be enacted. little did they know, about the abysmal failure of my emotions. i just couldn't be the real me. feel like a survivor who is still victimized by the wounds of his past that hound him. i was like that once upon a time. the character that i was playing on screen was how i was some eon's back. and now, when real met reel, i could not feel. rather, if this was theater and was over the top, i would have emoted. but here, i was, in this stage of my realness where i was being me as i was before. low and mellow, yet with a pain so profound and unsound. a tad too much for a happy soul that i am.

i felt bad for my foster sister, she knows me not except for the tweets we exchange on virtual land. tina heard the story, fell in love with it, and parted with her hard earned money for the film. she had huge expectations from this film. she understands me in a way that cant be explained. call it telepathy. call it just celestial connections, i find her beside me whenever i feel low, and mellow. and so do i, intute when her mind refutes with an upheaval. we are bound and we bind with no threads of genes, but with the chromosome of love. love you tina, and am sorry i failed.

my co actor worked real hard. real hard. a performance that was earthy and standing ovation worthy. deep thought, deep rooted, soul touching. i can say that, because he was almost playing my alter ego. he depicted the conflicts of my mind when i was wayward.  and there i lie like a log of wood. an expressionless face, and a real numb body. like how someone has been demented, tormented and mentally raped. all in reality. we did rehearsals and rehearsals, and i failed and failed and failed. he was patient all through. never a smirk in his tell-it-all face. as he lay yesterday, resting his back on the placid wall. i bent towards his shoulders and whispered on to his ears "i am sorry brother". and quick he looked deep in my eyes and said "why are you apologizing to me".

i believe, life takes you to and through, and when you have been there and seen that, you should explore new horizons. add some new dimensions to the already progressive path that i undertake. may be i just wanted my 2 minutes of self satisfaction, that i could do this act. and maybe i would, some day. i mean, very matter-of-factly i might just do it. no hopes, no dopes. but life is a crazy bitch man. and who knows what it does to you… and when. well i have to tell this to the fucking conscience that speaks to me and bullies me. "if you can't ease my tears, don't you tease my tears". Funny, how people think of the best lines at the worst times. Lol… hehheheh.

nothing is as therapeutic as writing and sharing with the world with no fear, guilt or hesitance. thank you all for listening to my fears. lending me your ears. i needed to talk. and that was the only way out for me to come out of this complex mind.

i am here today, in the crossroads of life. waiting for a new horizon. waiting for that somebody. that somebody who would play me on screen. an author backed bold role. a man with balls of empathy and the ability to delve deep in the mind of mine in a 15 minute film. anyone has the balls? 
anyone??????????

Friday, February 05, 2010

I Am



where am i coming from...
where am i going.



im  lost in this tyranny  of my mind…
where am i… i cant find.


manipulative am i... is that the name.
you give an individual... shunned by shame.

why are my intentions doubted...
wonder why and where   that thought sprouted.

why am i associated with what happened then...
i look for beyond, but when will people see...
i really wonder when?


i look for myself within, i cant find...
i look in the outer... it is ill defined.

  
am i the river that silently flows by...
am i the listless dead sky.


  
everything is apart...
collating broken pieces of my heart.


am i just behind and before...
not here and how...
but i am living...
living sometimes somehow.


i don’t know if woman am i... or am i man...
what am i ... i know naught...
the stinging bee...
or the fly that your net has caught.

give me a moment now...
i wish to whisper in your ears...
i wish to speak it now...
till your conscience can hear.

am i  living this moment…
knowing not where i be…
flowing in the creepy ocean
through the blinded sea…


i wish i could tell you..
just before... just before you draw a perception about me...
that i have no name... i have no past... i have no future...
i am empty... i am nothing…. nothing that you can think.

i am just me. i am just me.
"I AM" .. just "I AM"

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