Thursday, October 18, 2012

Mamata's 5 Laws Of Relativity

Mamata Banerjee! I love this woman. I mean. She is just fantastic. Her views are mind blowing She is multifaceted. She dabbles in big theories in social sciences with as much ease as she slips into hyperbole, personification, simile and metaphors of English poetic literature. 

The secret of life is letting go, the secret of love is letting it show. And so I profess, my heart full of love for the one and only Mamata Banerjee. 

 Here are some of her Laws of Relativity

 #1 :  Students = Maoists 

Before Mamata Banerjee came into power we never could relate to the Maoist the way we did after she came to existence in our lives. She helped me see light. She helped me understand that Maoists are college going students. In a show called Face The Nation in CNN IBN with Sagarika Ghose, she bravely faced questions by the audience which had a lot of college going students. She was patient. She was composed. But she can’t be taken for granted you see. She can’t be asked questions that she finds uncomfortable answering. She will get angry if she is asked questions that proves her inaction. Naturally. It is human nature.. Actions speak louder than words you see. But seriously, her anger must have really hit the ceiling when she said "I know that Maoist people and CPM are putting up these questions". Mamata needs to be rewarded for this investigative finding. Sagarika Ghose and other journalists could take a tip or two from her.

Thank god for small mercies. I am out of college and I don’t have to study with Maoists every day. 

#2 : Media = Opposition 

Mamata is media’s favourite child. But this is not her fault. You can’t let the media use her and then misuse her quotes. Come on! In the recent past, most railway ministers, now or then, in power or out of it, have been closet stand up comedians and media has always  highlighted that. Morrissonda (Jim Morrison) once famously said ““Whoever controls the media, controls the mind” So, for Di, it is very important to control the media. Because you di, are the karta-dharta of West Bengal. I totally agree, the whole of media is against Mamata Banerjee. Some bloody conspiracy. I feel media is just re-dubbing her speech. Next time when a media person interviews mamata or the camera focuses on her when she is in the parliament – Read Her L i p s. I tell you. What she says is totally different than what media projects. All TV channels have a special dubbing artist to dub the voice of Mamata. TV channels increase their TRPs by showing Mamata and Mamata and more Mamata. I feel all the media houses are in the side of the opposition of Mamata. They sit and plot strategies against her during their Tea breaks. Media  persons would retort in defence “we don’t know which side Mamata is in, so how would we be in the oppositions side?” to which Mamata smartly responds sternly, as wonderfully as Amitabh did in his baritone voice, she does it in her DidiTone voice “I will not make any comment”. Obviously, she cannot satisfy all

#3 : Cartoonist = Terrorist 

You think she is a cartoon? How dare you! I mean, she might sound funny. But she is not. She means business. She means business when she says what she says even if you don’t understand what she says. Freedom of speech should not be stretched that far Prof Ambikesh Mahapatra was thus arrested. He needed to be taught a lesson. Mamata and only Mamata has the right to mimic people. She can mimic the prime minister of India. But hello! Ambikesh, or whatever your name is, you can’t mimic Mamata you can’t cartoonify her. Obviously, if you attempt to, you will be thrown behind bars. 

Everyone who mimics (excluding Mamata) in cartoon or in real terrorist. 

#4 : Rape Victim = Anti Government Conspirator

Imagine the state of affairs in India. People tell lies all the time. Like I said before - everyone is so jealous of Mamata that people plot against her. They pay people to cry rape. You have seen, 90s avant-garde bollywood movies? Remember how Madhuri Dixit lied that Aamir Khan had raped her in Dil? Exactly like that. Everyone is behind Mamata Didi’s reputation. Rape Victims are anti mamata government conspirators who engage in malicious propaganda. How sick. My bechaari didi. 

Here is a quote I read somewhere for you didi – “Haters don't really hate you. They hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be. Poor, confused people.” 

#5 : Men And Women Free Interaction   α      Rape 

Has mamata shared anything that is not known. She has stated the obvious. She is reported to have said in Bengali that Men and Women interact freely leading to rapes. It is not actually the man’s fault. It is the fault of the imported western culture that youngsters of today are strongly influenced by. The relativity of rapes is directly proportional to the openness between men and women. Men and Women have started speaking to each other. Yes, Mamata believes that the reason girls get raped in India lies in a bigger problem that India is facing – men and women in India have started interacting with each other. She is right, if women speak they get raped by men. They should not interact with men. They should not speak to men. Speaking to men would tempt men as they would get tempted by the aural sound waves which will tickle their groin and they would get jumping and pumping right to the peak of their libido. And in that libidinal peak they would rape. So, mmmmm… there lies the fault. Women and Men should not speak to each other. I think mamata is the answer to the male chauvinist khaap. Jitender Chattar from khaap thinks that chewing chowmein leads to hormonal imbalance and instigates people to rape. Jitender Chattar must have done his masters in endocrinology. But Mamata is more learned – she seems to be a master in Clinical Psychology , Sociology, Physics, Neurology and also an MD in Psychiatry. 

Now considering that Mamata feels that rape is a anti government conspiracy, and that rape happens because men and women interact more freely – combining these two scenarios, here is the screenplay for the scene

Guy will ask a hot gal for coffee. 
They will interact. 
Guy informs the girl that he plans to rape her. 
He requests her to scream while he is doing it. 
Girl accepts the offer for her pleasure. 
Rape happens. 
But she ditches him and files a complaint. 
Government name gets tarnished. 

How true isn’t it. 

For all your detractors Mamata, let me quote Ralphda  - "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." 

P.S. pardon any typos and errors in grammar. Sad, but true.  i am not as qualified or prolific as didi. 

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