Sunday, July 29, 2012

My Single-dom and Proposals

someone asked me if i have sleepless nights thinking about dying alone with no lover beside me.
i replied "i do get scared. but who said i would die with no lover one beside me.
love happens to people who not only believe in love but also respect the loved."

"but why would you reject someone so famous and rich", he asked.

i replied "i give myself to the relationships of love. and guess that's why i am prudent in matters of dil-investment. i know of people who get committed in amavasya and break up at the dusk of the next poornima. i cannot be moony that way. and unfortunately, i am cultured enough to not ride a pillion on my fame and get into a relationship with the nouveau riche and use my partner as my blank-cheque-trolley-boi to go trotting from malls and theaters across the world.
i know love will happen to me when it has to happen to me. i am in no haste." 

but what do you do for your temptations? he asked.

"you mean SEX. Why dont you ask directly dude?"
for sex, i dont need to force myself into a fake relationship. There is no dearth of ways to silence my hormones.and i'm desirable, at least the funny kinky invitations i get on men-men-dating sites keep me happy-go-hottie. and what makes you presume i have a sad sex life?

as for love... "pyaar kiya nahi jaata, ho jaata hai

I cant help it but wonder, why is my love life the topic of concern for so many people? is it genuine "concern" or plain voyeurism?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Bhandarkar's Heroine : old book, new cover?

the promo of madhur bhandarkar's much awaited heroine is out. and i am not surprised. i am not surprised at all. the film seems to be a copy paste of the wonderful bhandarkar formula. 

my guess was right. here is my script... waiting for the film to release to validate. 

  • small town girl lured by big city dream. 
  • she comes to big city and stays with some struggler in the big city. 
  • she wants to become a star. 
  • she understands that she has to have sex with some big man, it is called "compromise".
  • she gets into the big league by sleeping around and manipulating people.
  • one of the friends who helps her in the same is a kind homosexual man. 
  • success gets onto her head. 
  • meanwhile there is some story of child sexual abuse that the one of the influential people whom she is manipulating engages in.
  • she suddenly feels lonely when success leaves her and media turns against her. 
  • she turns into an emotional wreck she runs to her homosexual friend for help.
  • her homosexual friend is a cheat. he cheats with her BF or he lives a lie or is some other crook. 
  • she feels even more lonely to deal with the drama.
  • she later accepts that the shit she is in, is the shit she has to be in. she now really accepts shit and is back in the same shitty business. 
  • lata mangeshkar sings a sad song for her. and the film ends. 
  • madhur bhandarkar wins a national award. 
  • the actress would win the critics award.

Point made: 
*the plot remains the same from chandni Bar to page 3 to traffic signal to corporate to fashion to heroine... just the profession changes*

Inference : 
we like recycled shit. 
no sorry. We *LOVE* recycled shit.

one of my friends on facebook told me that this was a take on marilyn monroe's life. but i think it could be on preeti jain's life.

who preeti jain?
go ask google chacha. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Piya Behroopiya - comes to delhi

Disclaimer : this review by my manager Deborah Grey has previously appeared Plunging Necklines . I have also been an audience to this play with her, and this is exactly what i had to say about the play too. So rather than typing the whole review once again to prove that i am a wordsmith, thought it would be a great idea to just post the review of deborah, who is almost like the other me, when i read this post. And believe me, when i say that this play is not something you could just witness, it is something that you experience. Guess they are coming to delhi next. If you are in Dilli, do give Piya Behroopiya a dekko. Will update  date, time and venue soon. Keep your nazar.. idharichhh! 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Profiling The Gay Bitch

This is my article in Monsoon 2012 Issue of Pink Pages. To Download the complete issue please CLICK HERE

Disclaimer: before you start bitching about this article. Let me tell you that this is a post about some gays, and definitely not all gays. I am in no way generalizing. And if you get offended by this article, may be, you are the gay bitch I’m talking about. This is an account of the different kind of bitches that I have found and about their fake prides and real prejudices.

I wonder sometimes what the Akhil Bharatiya Gay Samaj is all about? Before I opened the doors of the closets to smell fresh air, I remember I encountered many types of this vicious animal called the gay bitch – I hope animal rights activists don’t take offence to the word ‘bitch’. I am a bitch lover myself. With all due respect to animals, the creatures I’m talking about are pests without breasts. They have an innate ability to speak about anything and everything from Botox to buttocks. They are a walkie-talkie encyclopaedia of everything queer. But Aami Shotti Bolchi! My list is in no way comprehensive. And may be, I also would fall in one of these categories.

Bottom Pinch!

“I don’t do THAT with anybody and everybody OKAY! Fuckta (‘only’- in marathi) boyfriends”

Hold On! Never disrespect their posterior. Their back is not some kirana ka dukaan (mom and pop stores) that dick-headed wholesalers can stock their groceries over. These are the monogamous glam dolls of tinsel town. They are exclusive. They don’t suffer fools. They are the pristine majestic queens.

I encountered one recently and got too close for comfort. I was just going to build a temple in my mind for this devi who I thought was ganga ke jaise pavitra. (holy as river Ganges) only to realize that this river has been overflowing. Even the once-upon-a-queer watchman has visited this holey shrine (pardon the typo). In fact, I really wished to add his holeyness as one of the many tourist attractions in Bombay. I’m sure, anyone and everyone who is even remotely-occasionally- periodically-seasonally gay and has visited Bombay has at least once, has not only most definitely visited the Gateway of India, but also has sunk in this river. And he was right, they all were boyfriends. Relationships with tourists are butt short-lived. Ass the flight takes off, another lands- life goes on.

Bedroom = Drawing Room!
“ and you know… he was so short”

These are the kind of people who are bubbly and hip. They have a clean heart. They tell it all and make their Dil halka (lighten the heart). And when they have told-it-all they can take the next download from the next gay guy around. They may not be able to solve your problems. But will be there to laugh it out and discuss. It is called ‘lightening the mood’ (not yours, but theirs)

My experience with such people has been great. With people like these porn-audio-books will have no market. I have also been educated about my near and dear ones by them. They know who does what and how well. They disclose their bedroom secrets with panache and √©lan. They have an eye for detail even when I don’t have the ears for detail. They warn you so that you even by mistake don’t indulge in an UFO moment in your sacred space in the Queer World. (UFO = Unintentionally Fornicating Objects). You need to ensure that you don’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed with them. (If you know what I mean) for even the beauty spot in your butt will be magnified for public viewing pleasure. Well, this is what I call “pimples in the butt of humanity.”

The Virile Viral Giants

“… this guy is such a show off”

This is the kindest prototype of the desi gay species. They are kind in the real world. Real kind people. They appear to be those few doting friends you can always count on. They are the ones who appear to complete your world with all the niceness and goodness. They are sweeter than saccharine, cuter than a pug puppy, fresh and positive as a sun flower. They are all that you would want in a perfect person.

Wonder why then they are totally different online. I mean, they are so mean online that even the good old mother-in-laws of Hindi television will be given a run for their money. They are the uncrowned vamps of the facebook world. They tweet a never-ending attack until you scream in agony. They are like loose motion. Their attack is pungent. They are the people who would be blue colored in real life and will have screen shots of blue films in gay dating sites. Their profile in gay dating sites would read “NO CLEAR FACEPIC. NO REPLY”, it is an irony that their pics would be of their genitals. (I tell myself “so what? Honey! May be they feel that’s their face pic”) They would start a whole campaign to vilify someone. They are sometimes homos in real world but still in the closet. Kudos to their skill to be a part of the queer world yet launch an attack from within. Now I know where the phrase “meri billi aur mujhi se meow?” (My cat and she meows me?) comes from.

Zip it!

“schhhhhhh…. It’s a secret”

Closets are the sexiest place for some people. They maintain the secrets there. The secrets are well guarded. And there is no possibility of a leak anywhere.

Yeah… I know of a group of such people who are secretive with everybody. I was told about a secret by ten different people about one person. But yes, it is still a secret. Also, there are secrets like having sex with a closeted guy. I know a guy who was closeted. So closeted that in his early twenties, his count of sexpedes has almost reached 200, so I presume that he is closeted with everybody, and everybody is closeted with everybody, so no one knows! What a well guarded secret! even Sherlock homes can’t find out. Ain’t it?

The Religious Types
“… can I enter into nirvana”

God is in them – they have divinity flowing in every cell of their body. You are engulfed in the aroma of agarbattis (incense sticks) and mombattis (candles) as soon as they open their mouth. And you feel like you are floating in the cosmos with some fluorescent light acting as a halo around your head when you are with them. That blessed you are with divine bliss!

The problem is that the halo is hollow. The extension of religion is on regions even religion would have not thought about. Like I had this ‘encounter’ with this guy some ten years back, we dated over yahoo messenger. He spoke about the bad sex he had, and good sex he had and the usual sex he had. He spilled a lot of beans about the cherries that he popped in. He informed me that he was orally explicit. (I heard him say ‘yumm’) Our web cams knew more about us. And we wished we met in real. And then the day arrived. It was his house and his velvet bed. He was all over me… Suddenly reality struck me like a thud. This man said that he will not engage in oral sex as he is vegetarian… Puzzled, I asked “heinnn… so what’s that got to do with oral sex” and he replied “I am a. And my religion doesn’t permit eating non-veg”. My orgasm responded quickly to this organism that had his head on just below my navel. And I lost my libido immediately. I replied “dude. This isn’t pork sausage”and my name is not “dinner”.

That’s what is called the trip of the lip of the divine consciousness. Khair chodo (well! leave it) , Guess, it isn’t sin to drive someone up the mountain and then pushing him to ensure he comes tumbling down. Huh!

F ‘n’ F

“fuck and forget… married men.. no way”

Sin it is,
to lie and lay.
to do a man during the wee- sunny hours,
And sleep with a woman at the end of the day.

What on earth would 'do' a married man?When we narrate incidences about married men keeping their wives in the dark, suddenly the andar-ki-feminist (the feminist within) of gay men finds an uprising. One of my friends told me “I had sex with him anyway – three times. But it just happened, I had not planned it. I am not the F n F (fuck and forget) types. I would not do married men consciously”. (Did that sound like “I am pregnant, but not my fault, it’s by accident”?) I was like “yaa baby. You did it thrice subconsciously-unconsciously”. Guess such minds should be preserved in a metaphysics museum. The fact is that most would care a duck about marital status if the guy was smoking hot.

English Babu
“… LOTR is my DDLJ”

English is at the tip of tongue of these people. They love English. They watch only English movies. And they have only English sex. I mean moaning in English. (Haven’t you heard the awww.. baby… go slow… baby” orgasm ?) Johny Depp is their Shahrukh Khan, and LOTR is their DDLJ. They have a great sense of English humour. They know the difference between English and Irish just as eloquently they can point the difference between American and Australian English. (It is not their fault that when they were born, first the encyclopedia popped out of the womb)

They wouldn’t have “fun” with desi guys (at least that’s what they say in sexclusive public forums) I know of people of the English Babu category whose fantasies would include the likes of construction workers and “rugged” Indian men (Rickshaw and Cabbbie Drivers can jump the queue) They would only have coffee at costa and barista. (Please ensure that you pronounce coffee in a way that the tip of your throat feels tickled- ‘KHAUFFF… EEEEE’). They hate GrammarGandus (grammar assholes) like me and read fat novels. Their general talks revolve around cars and bikes while other lowly creatures would be cribbing about the time table of local trains or metros going haywire. They are clearly the divide between HS (high society) and LS (low society). Everything that’s not English is LS. You have to shake your head and acknowledge – (understand this “emancipated into the doctrine of being flabbergasted about the core identity of queerdom and the hetronormitive nature of the homosapien that is lost in the core indulgence of fornication.” Didn’t understand? {rolls eyes and says to self : Fuck! Eww! How dumb! } And if you don’t know who Dumbledore uncle or Rowling aunty is then you are definitely simply not their “type’. Every party that plays Hindi music is a nautanki. Bollywood is a no brainer. “I wanted to go to a party, and uff.. I came to this mujra” – have you heard that before?

Self- Confessed Saints
“ I like him. But I don’t like his devious ways.”

The above statement doesn't mean that he doesn’t like him Okay!. It only means that he doesn't like him when he does something stupid, but likes him otherwise.

Such people think they are god’s gift to mankind. Every day there will be people thanking them on their facebook walls. They would have fan pages and secret admirers. Some would flaunt their photos with them, while others will simply make them their man-mandir-ka-devta. (God of the temple of the heart) They are the ones who flaunt their entourage of fans and are seen in TV all the time. (So much that if you don’t see them on TV you wonder “I hope he is alive”)

These people are like cats. They have 9 lives and rush behind the media like how your friendly neighbourhood Tom runs meowing behind fisherwomen. They are people who would orgasm instantly when you spell the M of media. Their eyes pop out and they turn into a different species when the camera is switched on. They recycle the same things in different words in different channels. (Well its not their fault if media calls them? – they say. Like they are the only gay man alive in India) They are shameless self patronizing kinds . These people will never take a stand because they are scared that their sacred position will be threatened by opponents. They are the do-gooders who will not risk their position by being the queer king speaking against anything or anybody. I wonder how they always have a sad story to share. I’m seriously bored of seeing them rant about their life perpetually virtually every time.

These are people who bitch about the whole world in the pretext of writing an article on Gay Bitches. Media Sluts like Harish Iyer fall in this category. (Guess he has a Hate Page on facebook – leme go and LIKE that)

How convenient? Isn’t it?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Named as one of India’s most influential Gays & Lesbians

im very happy to share that i am named as 1 of the 7 most influential gays and lesbians in India.  This is the first list released by pink-pages.
Please click on the following link to read the article :  

Sunday, July 15, 2012

She Asked For It!

In January 2009, at a pub in Mangalore, some respectable men from the political group Ram Sene, headed by Pramod Muthalik's party, invaded a pub and beat up the girls there. The girls there were indecent. They were wearing jeans. Jeans is a western outfit. And they were propagating western culture. So, to stop them from doing that the girls had to be taught a lesson. What better lesson than men beating them up. Indian culture is wearing a saree. And Indian culture is molesting women who are dressed in western outfits. It is not the fault of Shri Pramod Muthalik. The girls wore western clothes – THEY ASKED FOR IT!

Recently in the national capital region, there was a girl who was raped. She used to drink. She wore western clothes. She revealed her cleavage at times. Her legs were most tempting. She was pretty. and she spent long hours with friends. She also went out with friends. Many of her friends were men. She would also have alcohol with her male friends. Women are supposed to have Gangajal, but she had liquor, that too with male friends. "If she wears clothes like these, she would be raped naa? Plus she had a mother who was divorced. Her character was thus bad" said one intelligent police inspector. SHE ASKED FOR IT!

Recently in my city, Bombay, I was travelling by a local train. The train has a special first class coach. This is called video coach. It is called "Video coach" because men can watch women through a iron net barricade. Men can watch them. Men can letch at them. It is good because men go through a lot of stress. They are the bread winners. They have a tiring day. Plus they have to go back home and their wives are sometimes just not satisfying them well. Moreover the girls in the ladies compartment are pretty. Some of the aunties there wear sarees that expose the navel. Some of the girls wear tee shirts that stick to their breasts. The girls should not complain if men ogle at them. Understand the poor man's position. And moreover – SHE ASKED FOR IT!!!

Just a few days ago, a 17 year old girl was molested. She went to a pub… a pub in Guwahati. Did you hear what I said now "She was 17", "she is a girl", "she went to a pub". She was mobbed by kind men who were guardians of Indian culture. These kind men decided to teach the girl a lesson. They beat her up. They pressed her breasts. They were kind enough to also remove her clothes. And they did it publicly. The girl shouted. She screamed. She went running about. But other kind people in vehicles shut their windows. They closed their hearts to the girl’s plea. They had more important work to be done. They are busy people. The police came there half an hour late. Naturally, you can understand the police take time to reach. Anyways, this was just an obscene drunken girl. SHE ASKED FOR IT!!!.

It is never a man's fault. If she wears western outfit, he gets provoked. And if he gets provoked, his hormones work extra-time. When his hormones work more, he gets excited. When he gets excited, he needs instant satisfaction. The satisfaction he gets when he engages in sexual intercourse. And come on, if not sexual intercourse, atleast, he would naturally engage in massaging breasts or the odd murder. Itna toh haq banta hai!

It is not a man's fault. It is never a man's fault. When have men been able to keep their libido or ego in control? Indian culture for women is getting blamed for inviting molestation and murder because they wore western outfits. Indian culture of men is to molest and strip and rape and kill because it was the woman's fault as she tempted him.

We don't teach our males not to rape, that's not Indian culture. Well it is Indian culture to even beat our young girl children when they complain of someone having touch them.
For it is all because SHE ASKED FOR IT!

Political parties are infamously famous for blackening faces and breaking glasses like how those action heroes do in Bollywood films. This time for the Guwahati incidence they will "order a probe". They will not blacken the face of every car driver who raised their glasses when the girl screamed for help. They have important political matters. They don't take the law in their hands for such petty issues – after all, she asked for it! .

She asks for sex. She screams Rape Me. She wants to be molested. She asks for it.

cross-posted from my post as Bedardi Baalam of my modern-day mahila mukti blog called Chaalu Cheez at

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Pinki Pramanik! ...Is It She?

It's time that we look at genders beyond the paradigms of Male and Female. There are genders beyond those defined by anatomy. And the fact is that no one has the right to define my gender but me. Not the country, not the medical council. 

Pinki Pramanik’s case has been stuck in the web of controversy. She is accused of rape by her partner. Her partner is a woman. And her partner insists that Pinki is a man. The same Pinki who has won India a gold medal in the WOMENs relay. I wonder if she is a HE then how it went unquestioned for so long. I am sure they have screening tests in international competitions like the Asian games and the common wealth games. 

This raises an important question. Why do we need to put people in brackets of Man and Woman. There are genders beyond the genders that we know. 

Some moons back Santhi Saunderajan, the DAUGHTER of a kiln worker rose to heights of popularity after she won the silver medal at the 800m race at the 2006 Asian Games. She was ripped off her medal after she underwent a sex test. The test result read "does not possess the sexual characteristics of a woman". Later the then Chief Minister, Tamil Nadu :  Karunanidhi offered her a cash prize of 15 lakh rupees and a Television Set. When Karunanidhi was quizzed about the controversy that surrounded Santhi, he simply replied “this is the same body that won India her medal.” That was the wisdom of the chief minister who stood up for Santhi. And what a statement it was. Reflect on it – how did her gender matter. Santhi was diagnosed as someone with the Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome – a condition that causes hormonal changes in the body and makes it more masculine. 

Gender is a social construct. And gender is not just black white and grey. Gender is but just a biological accident.

In pinki’s case, most of us are caught in disgust to even fathom the fact that a woman could be raped by a woman. It has to be a man, always. A woman is a devi, a man is the devil. Well, that’s not the truth always. 

Yes! Investigate the rape allegations against Pinki thoroughly. I was in a show with NDTV yesterday at the 9 O clock news with sonia singh, about child sexual abuse and someone just sent me an email saying SUCH MEN SHOULD BE HANGED. I simply replied “don’t give the abuser a gender. It could be a woman or any other gender too”. The whole definition of rape and sexual assault has to change to include all genders as both the accused and the abused. Here probably the Child Sexual Abuse bill leads the way by being gender neutral. Is not that possible? Cant lesbians rape? Cant women rape? Does one need to be a man to rape? Rape has to always be penetrative? 

I am all for a thorough investigation. Let pinki go through a trial. Let pinki be punished if she is found guilty. But i cant help but ask some obvious questions. 
Were there no Tests done when she had been to the international sports events? 
Did she suddenly become a man? 
She should be having some magic wand or something, if she could swing from woman to man so easily. If you ask me, this looks like a classic case of domestic drama between 2 woman lovers going public. 

Tell me to lodge someone who has a vagina and identifies as a woman in a male prison, squeeze her teats to determine her gender. And to shoot an MMS that goes viral the course of law of rape investigations against Pinki Pramanik? 

Here is a song composed by Kabir Sumon

(Credit:  this is a rough translation by my friend and equal rights activist - Aditya Bondyopadhyay )

Are you a man, or woman, clear your stand?
I'm a policeman & I wants to know, 
If needed, by pressing your tits with my hand..

Do see the picture printed in the newspapers...
Your body is today a public circus
Police hands wield the whip
But they are helpless

All they can do is to aggressively grab 
your face with their hands 
"Prove it Pramanik, are you a man, 
or a woman..??"

They can't wait want to see you naked

Who cares about the gold and silver medals
you brought for the nation
that you are our national hero
shall not be of consideration

They captured your gender test
in a mobile cam video that day
and because they thought it best
its all over the internet today

To see that vid now, many will rush
after this song they hear
burn my sadness is all I can do
In the fire of my anger...

This is happening in a state with a woman chief minister who has yet not come forward to help. As another cliche goes "women are an epitome of empathy" and mamata banerjee is silent about this mistreatment .... I don't believe all women are devis! But if people believe in sterotypes, they might just pop the question to her highness- "dear chief minister, are you woman enough? 

an edited version of this post has been published in Tehelka CLICK HERE to view

Thursday, July 05, 2012

That Single Decision

May be reason that life takes pleasure in surprising me with pleasantnesses is because I may be pissed at times - but will not be suddenly thankless to the good things of life when life throws in huffy tantrums my way. And not that i extemporize in tantalizing expressions when it is awesomely orgasmic. i keep my feet perfectly on ground. 

You also had good moments in your life. Life threw lemons your way. You went about judging and ranting the quality of lemons as compared to others... while you could have squeezed them for a sexy lemonade. And when you did have lemonade you danced with your glass all over and the sip slipped before it touched your lip. 

Truth is that we are sometimes too ungrateful, and too thankless,  and other times we float in the wave of illustriousness that we think stopping by to pause at a moment of time is stooping too low. 

The path ahead is a crossroad.. decide to stop for a while.. look back and smile... and decide which new way to go. 

all it takes is a single decision at a specific moment to change your world forever...


I am confused about what i wrote... cant exactly comprehend sometimes things that i type in josh in a flow - like i am possessed or something... . Am sureShakespeare would turn in his grave (LOL) , but the person i wrote this to surprisingly understood and called me to thank me. ;)

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Let's fly hiyer!

As we end with the dusk of yet another guru day. I am thankful to all the lessons I have learnt, all the friends, the (ex) lovers, siblings, sibling-like, subordinates and others who have taught me many valuable lessons in life.

They have influenced my lives in a positive way to make me what I am. We don't always need to look at the sky for inspiration, we sometimes need to look down with utmost empathy and gratitude, because that's where we got our wings from.

I also thank all those who pushed me down, pulled me low, ill-treated me, bad-mouthed me and hated me for being what I am - For being vocal over the local -- And for taking immense pride in being myself and making no bones about the fact that my inspiration is in my mirror. For if they had not been there I would have never known how it feels like to have an attitude like finally finding strength under my wings and take flight to the deep skies of divinity.

The skies that tell me -
"Attitude is your altitude. It determines how high you fly"

Let's fly hiyer, and hiyer!

Sent on my BlackBerry® from Vodafone

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